Sobriety

Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson
Courtney Love, and Marilyn Manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in

Postby milknight » Thu Feb 01, 2018 7:11 pm

ty but please dont congratulate me for 10 days lol. im not even sure i should be posting in here yet. but so far so good
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Postby blab » Thu Feb 01, 2018 7:20 pm

drinking some green tea right now, easing out of the anxiety of the work day, feeling pretty good
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Postby dvr » Sat Feb 03, 2018 12:46 am

Cone wrote:The longer I go without drinking, the more bewildered I become by the concept of drinking culture and the appeal of it in the first place. Like the hardest part of getting and staying sober for me is just the fact that I don't want people to know I've decided to stop putting this toxic liquid into my body. That's insane.

But I also have accepted that I don't care to read into it or unearth all the underlying answers of alcoholism to a point because I don't want to waste all my time meditating on negative stuff.



great post
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Postby RIXX » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:39 am

I'm watching a doc right now on the Sundance App called 'Sister Helen' that is so sick. 58yo ex-alcoholic "She's swearing that's nuts" nun who opens a halfway house in the bronx

Most nuns are not like Sister Helen -- she's tough as nails, can curse like a sailor, and woe be unto anyone who gets on her bad side. But most nuns probably haven't had a past like Sister Helen's, either; a longtime alcoholic, Helen gave up drinking only after the death of both of her children (one of whom was murdered) and her husband (whose death was related to his own drinking problem). After getting clean and sober, Helen became a Benedictine Nun, and she now runs a halfway house for recovering drug and alcohol abusers in a rough neighborhood in the South Bronx. Sister Helen is a documentary that looks at her often difficult life and her current crusade to help addicts get clean, as she shares her home with 21 men struggling with sobriety. Taking no guff and offering compassion only to those who deserve it, Sister Helen's attitude redefines the phrase "tough love," and among her charges are men who are grateful for her help, and a few who are resentful of her methods and distrustful of her motivations. Sister Helen received the Director's Award for Best Documentary at the 2002 Sundance Film Festival.


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Postby Jerry Lundegaard » Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:07 pm

Cone wrote:
milknight wrote:saying forever seems scary in a way i cant really articulate.


Yeah I think everybody feels that way at first hence the comfort of the “one day at a time” mantra



really IDing with this sentiment.

it used to be terrifying for me. now i honestly feel comfort in saying forever. i couldnt tell you when the switch happened from fear to a sort of peaceful acceptance. the thought of all these sober days laid out before you can be really intimidating. it was for me, any way. sobriety seemed like a loss of doing a "fun" thing. like i passed through a really fun room to be in, but it is totally destructive and unsustainable to be in there for any lengthy period of time. especially as the person that i am (problem drinker, alcoholic, person with already lowered inhibitions). but it is important for me to not focus on all the things i am "losing" by exiting that room forever. i need to look forward to all the doors to all the rooms that I will enter. and they get so much fucking better, and richer, and more rewarding. holy shit i might even say that i pray that i never go back.

like when people ask if i'll ever drink again and I say something like "maybe when i retire?" or just "why?"

i've made my decision. it feels right to me now. i'm just gonna stick to it.

whatever sorry if this sucks. something about 'forever' really resonated with me.
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Postby bongo » Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:21 pm

good post
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life
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Postby bongo » Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:22 pm

being sober is somehow balm for me

never ever would have expected it. the expanse of sober days before me - days where i’m accountable, not out of control, present..
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:17 am

yeah
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:18 am

very much on the same page wtih jerry and bingo
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:22 am

.
Last edited by lockheed on Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:32 am

.
Last edited by lockheed on Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:06 am, edited 2 times in total.
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:38 am

.
Last edited by lockheed on Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:43 am

.
Last edited by lockheed on Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby abs » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:44 am

really glad to hear you're doing well and living a sober life, Lockheed. loved when you lived with us but was worried about you too.
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Postby lockheed » Thu Feb 15, 2018 12:50 am

yeah i remember when i was sleeping on your couch, i always had a bottle of whiskey wrapped up in the blanket with me and that must have been kind of worrying/depressing for you and him to see. definitely think about that image a lot and feel shame about it. sorry i was in pretty rock bottom territory at the time and wish that wasn't the last way you saw me, but thanks for helping me out then and thanks for the kind words now as well.
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Postby abs » Thu Feb 15, 2018 1:07 am

no words but positive ones for you, right now, seeking sobriety. hope you're doing well.
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Postby blab » Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:19 pm

Some friends are coming over later. A lot of my usual homies don't bring drinks to my place, but one of the girls coming over tonight is definitely going to bring a six-pack and drink all the beers. Not looking forward to watching her drink those, but I'm just spending some time confirming to myself that it shouldn't bother me.

Ideally people wouldn't bring drinks to my house, but I don't want to be lame and tell her not to.
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Postby antoine » Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:22 pm

I finished reading the novel Leaving Las Vegas last night and fell asleep and had insane dreams about getting wasted and woke up with my heart beating crazy fast and literally feeling drunk. It was really weird. Not sure what I'm trying to accomplish in reading a book about terminal alcoholism but it kinda shook me and made me want to drink? I dunno, I'm really depressed. Bad times.
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Postby ashtrayheart » Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:05 am

about three weeks ago i decided to have a few drinks. i talked about it for a while with my s/o. i hadnt had a drink in over a year and i felt really strong and positive, seemed like a different person. i mean, im not, but really, so much fuckin stuff has changed for me in the last 1.5 years i might as well be. since then ive had a few nights where i stayed in and had a beer or two with my s/o (which seemed to go fine) and a few nights where i went out (mixed results). i probably went out four times. each time i drank more than i originally intended, and each time i felt super weird about it for a while. bad hangovers, bad anxiety hangovers. i realized after the last time that this is what life is like when i'm drinking. nights move fast, i always drink more and more, i am useless the next day. i can't hack it. at first i thought things were still fine because, yeah, nothing went TERRIBLY wrong or anything. i didnt black out or go on any benders or anything nuts, none of the penultimate behavior that led to sobriety in the first place. but it's still there. whatever the hell is inside me that makes me incompatible with this stuff remains, and im pretty sure if i dont go stone cold sober again that stuff will come, eventually. ive got a lot of shit going on in my life right now and im more accountable than ever, so maybe id be mostly fine for a year or two or three, but eventually i'd lose it. so, im gonna be sober again.

im glad i tried drinking again, anyway. i still wont say im sober for good, because it seems weird to call anything permanent, and i dont like labeling stuff because i want to be empowered by a daily decision. maybe ill have another drink in a couple years and see how it goes. unless something deep down fundamentally changes, though, i know that i gotta just stay the hell away all together.
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Postby bongo » Fri Feb 16, 2018 6:29 am

that is a great post and one i’m sure illl return to

thanks for making it
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life
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Postby shacky » Fri Feb 16, 2018 9:14 am

do you guys have mantras

im trying moderation and they're surprisingly helpful for me
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Postby something sensible if » Sat Feb 17, 2018 8:04 am

i feel like i cycled through a bunch of mantras over the course of many months but i haven't really had any in a long while. it's weird i don't really remember exactly what they might have been. just sort of a summary of the last sobriety related epiphany i was having.

its been like 2.5 years since ive had a drink and i feel like i still fucking love getting drunk.
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Postby bear » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:12 am

shacky wrote:do you guys have mantras

im trying moderation and they're surprisingly helpful for me


"the things you put before your recovery you will lose"
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Postby bongo » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:38 am

“you know how it will go”
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life
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Postby antoine » Sat Feb 17, 2018 7:31 pm

I've been in a real depressive spell and wanting to drink again, or not really wanting to but kind of romanticizing the allure of the escape that drinking represents. That old "fuck the world" mentality is really tempting to get lost in and it made me think "if I want to fucking drink I'll fucking drink and it doesn't matter and no one can stop me" and I get a weird thrill out of that idea. But I can't bring myself to really believe in that anymore. I think I'm at a point where my sobriety is pretty ingrained and as much as part of me wants to "try it again" like something sensible did I don't think I can actually bring myself to do it. Maybe if something goes catastrophically wrong, but even that is stupid to me now. Like I said, I read "Leaving Las Vegas", which while harsh about some of the realities of alcoholism it romanticizes it too. Drinking one's self to death becomes this sort of noble journey of the self that leads to death but also love, even if it is a pitiable form of love. It's a good book but I don't think it quite captures the utter annihilation of the self that people who die from drinking endure. Then I watched Dallas Buyers Club and after Woodard gets his diagnosis he's shown binge drinking and drugging and there's no heroism there. It's admitting defeat. He couldn't have started the Buyer's Club or helped anyone if he had just stayed fucked up until he died. That movie isn't about substance abuse and it glosses over his pretty apparent drinking problem but that still struck me. Then I read the Jason Molina biography and his final alcoholic descent towards self destruction is really harrowing. There's no romance to it at all. There's only degradation and pain and the ever widening circle of pain that his alcoholism caused to those who loved him. It hit really close to home for me and what I experienced with my sister's alcoholism and made me remember the absolute chaos that kind of addiction creates. Anyway, I think I will stay sober for the time being.
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Postby tea preacher » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:00 pm

Have you read Knausgaard’s My Struggle series, particularly the early novels that chronicle his fathers alcohomism and death? Definitely no romance in that death by drinking either.
you'll never hear me talk about one day getting out
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Postby tea preacher » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:03 pm

bear wrote:
shacky wrote:do you guys have mantras

im trying moderation and they're surprisingly helpful for me


"the things you put before your recovery you will lose"


If AAisms count then “play the tape forward” is definitely mine.
you'll never hear me talk about one day getting out
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Postby antoine » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:11 pm

tea preacher wrote:Have you read Knausgaard’s My Struggle series, particularly the early novels that chronicle his fathers alcohomism and death? Definitely no romance in that death by drinking either.

I have not but I'll check them out.
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Postby bongo » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:36 pm

alcohol fucking sucks
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life
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Postby shacky » Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:41 am

yeah it does. my mantra didn't go so well and for the second consecutive weekend found myself passing out in the street until raised to my feet by strangers/the police. im tired.
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