Sobriety

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Postby bazooka » Mon Aug 28, 2017 4:44 pm

i generally encourage people in this thread who post about moderating to contemplate full sobriety. i think that is absolutely one of the great functions of this thread. that is part of why it's good for them to be able to post in the thread, because they can receive wisdom from ppl about the benefits of sobriety and apply them to their life, which is meaningful, even if the ultimately don't pursue full sobriety. i truly feel that discourse/wisdom re: sobriety is useful to anybody seeking to lead a healthier life and that is a big part of why i think this thread should be open to all people.

antoine wrote:I meant like, is hearing about successful moderation useful to your sobriety? It seems like you're saying yes because it offers a relatable problem ie coping with problematic drinking behaviors but you've already gone beyond that step in being completely sober, so it seems like it wouldn't serve a purpose to you in your continued sobriety. Now I'm confused. I don't know. :shrugemoji:


re: the bolded question, i already answered it pretty thoroughly, but i'll give it another go. just because i haven't had a drink in over six years doesn't mean sobriety isn't an ongoing process for me, a thing that i continue to struggle with. i've posted itt about my mental health problems more broadly, as well as issues i have with compulsive behavior related to food and other things. addictive behavior has been a great challenge in my life and it's one i continue to struggle with, even if i'm on pretty solid footing with alcohol. so yeah, as i have said repeatedly, i think everyone that posts itt is coming at from a position of like, this is a thing in my life that i'm struggling with, here's where i'm at with it right now. reading how other ppl relate to issues similar to issues that i have, even if they relate to said issues differently, expands my thinking about said issues, and is useful to me. generally with things i want to learn about &/or understand, i try to read widely, from a variety of perspectives, even ones that run counter to what makes the most sense to me. usually such perspectives don't change my own, but it does give it a roundedness, and sometimes there's a little piece of something i can pick up and apply to my own thinking. this has happened many times for me itt and on the board generally. one i think about often is badhat posting about how he wanted to quit smoking cigarettes, but to do it and make it stick he decided to quit drinking for a year. this idea of 'taking a break' from drinking was very appealing to me, as someone who had been trying unsuccessfully to moderate for years, and found myself breaking my attempts to quit smoking cigs every time i got blotto. badhat was in no way advocating for sobriety, not even fucking close, in fact in the very same post he riffed about how fucking great those first few beers were when he picked drinking back up. yet, it was that germ of an idea, that the best way to quit smoking is to quit drinking for a year, is ultimately what led me to begin not drinking, something i was 100% certain would be a temporary arrangement, but that led into me making the best choice i ever made, which was to pursue sobriety. so yeah, perspectives re: sobriety from a variety of people have been, are, and will continue to be useful to me.
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Postby antoine » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:00 pm

See talking about "how fucking great picking up the first beers was" seems like a dangerous notion to contemplate for those in recovery. I guess if you're able to glean in a roundabout way that sobriety might come from an indeterminate break from drinking. I guess that's the one day at a time mindset and not telling yourself "this is it, no more alcohol forever". Hell, I've not said to myself that I'm done with alcohol forever. I think I get it though. I'll shut up.
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Postby bongo » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:07 pm

yeah i totally get what youre saying bazooka but for me personally, i dont want those types of sentiments in the sobriety thread

im doing pretty well now, but suggestibility is an issue with me to a degree and i know its incredibly common in recovering people
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Postby bongo » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:08 pm

and again, that may just be me. but if those sentiments are what people concur is for the good of the sobriety thread then i will show myself out as much of its function and efficacy as a supportive place of people fighting the same fight would be voided for me
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Postby bongo » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:08 pm

oh and thanks tiger <3
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Postby jewels » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:16 pm

any advice for a friend (really!) who has been going to meetings, staying sober, but meeting are giving him anxiety attacks. He's tried a bunch, but even his favorite is freaking him out.

I told him I was always there for him if he ever wanted to vent, but I wasn't sure what more to tell him. My instinct is that being around dry drunks wasn't doing him any favors at the moment, but I don't think telling him to avoid meetings would be the best advice either.

I'm not sober, so have no experience with AA or the culture other than hearsay. But I want to be as helpful to him as I can be, and I don't want to be a hinderance.

edit additional information: I think he's been sober for about 6 months.
Last edited by jewels on Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby bongo » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:18 pm

like if i went into the veganism thread, said that i was considering veganism but currently was just a largely dairy-eschewing vegetarian and then i talked about how fucking amazing jasper hill farms bayley hazen blue natural rind cheese i had the night before was after taking a break from cheeese that would be shitty no?
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Postby antoine » Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:21 pm

jewels wrote:any advice for a friend (really!) who has been going to meetings, staying sober, but meeting are giving him anxiety attacks. He's tried a bunch, but even his favorite is freaking him out.

I told him I was always there for him if he ever wanted to vent, but I wasn't sure what more to tell him. My instinct is that being around dry drunks wasn't doing him any favors at the moment, but I don't think telling him to avoid meetings would be the best advice either.

I'm not sober, so have no experience with AA or the culture other than hearsay. But I want to be as helpful to him as I can be, and I don't want to be a hinderance.

edit additional information: I think he's been sober for about 6 months.


I hate to advocate for benzos or something but has he talked to a psych? May be able to get on anxiety meds.
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Postby jewels » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:14 pm

antoine wrote:
jewels wrote:any advice for a friend (really!) who has been going to meetings, staying sober, but meeting are giving him anxiety attacks. He's tried a bunch, but even his favorite is freaking him out.

I told him I was always there for him if he ever wanted to vent, but I wasn't sure what more to tell him. My instinct is that being around dry drunks wasn't doing him any favors at the moment, but I don't think telling him to avoid meetings would be the best advice either.

I'm not sober, so have no experience with AA or the culture other than hearsay. But I want to be as helpful to him as I can be, and I don't want to be a hinderance.

edit additional information: I think he's been sober for about 6 months.


I hate to advocate for benzos or something but has he talked to a psych? May be able to get on anxiety meds.


he's definitely been with a psych and been on benzos. He has mentioned the trouble he got into combining benzos and booze.
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Postby antoine » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:29 pm

you could also offer to go to a meeting with him, if you're comfortable with that
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Postby Edgar Renteria » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:34 pm

tiger wrote:also anything i say is more or less a tribute to the board forces like bingo. you're probably inspiring just as many to not drink as you did to continue drinking, and your recs over the years have been incalculable for anxiety relief. thanks.

edit: sorry i'm bad at english. started from indirect to direct.


I've relapsed, but yeah, bingo's posts in this thread, and his whole board arc to get to where he is today, have been a major major major positive force in my life
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Postby Edgar Renteria » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:35 pm

Also I hope you're doing well tiger, and I am sorry I drank so much around you when you visited. Pretty ashamed by that
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Postby fuckles » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:36 pm

antoine wrote:you could also offer to go to a meeting with him, if you're comfortable with that

make sure it's an open meeting tho
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Postby bongo » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:36 pm

Edgar Renteria wrote:I've relapsed, but yeah, bingo's posts in this thread, and his whole board arc to get to where he is today, have been a major major major positive force in my life


ah man this means a lot to me

i think you rule toni
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Postby antoine » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:37 pm

fuckles wrote:
antoine wrote:you could also offer to go to a meeting with him, if you're comfortable with that

make sure it's an open meeting tho

Oh yeah
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Postby jewels » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:39 pm

antoine wrote:
fuckles wrote:
antoine wrote:you could also offer to go to a meeting with him, if you're comfortable with that

make sure it's an open meeting tho

Oh yeah


he lives 4 hours away :(
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Postby Edgar Renteria » Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:49 pm

i got lunch today with an old coworker today, shes sober now after two dui's in the span of a year a few years ago when we worked together, was super inspiring to hear how far she has come, gave me a ton of motivation to get help once school starts wednesday and start trying to develop a support network through my school, thinking about going to my first meeting on friday. just tough because besides her my only other austin friends are heavy heavy drinkers and i dont know how to maintain my friendships with them because when i managed to go a week completely sober and wanted to share with them they were completely ambivalent, as was my sister, also an alcoholic, and im just scared about losing the only friends who have stuck with me the past 8 years ive lived here, but hopeful that going back to school will let me meet new people and make new friends where the relationship isnt dependent on us going out to get drunk in order to socialize
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Postby antoine » Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:16 pm

Good luck edgar. Your relationships that revolved around drinking will probably change and some might go away entirely, in my experience. Gotta do what's best for you though. Be prepared to lose a few friends. But yeah school should be a good outlet for starting some new and healthier relationships. I'm planning on moving and going back to school in the next year and I'm hoping the same happens with me.
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Postby tiger » Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:47 pm

Edgar Renteria wrote:Also I hope you're doing well tiger, and I am sorry I drank so much around you when you visited. Pretty ashamed by that


i came fully intending to drink. i couldn't get the "middle way" out of my head as a source of foregoing 100% exclusivity from any place or experience, if armed with proper intent and mindfulness. you didn't push me to drink since I was going on my own accord until we passed out. i had no problem watching you drink the next day after it had been proven that i can't handle it. i haven't drank since. everything is good. you have too much spirit to be held back by something like this.

if my post seemed roundabout at all, it is just that each thread has a tendency towards its own hyper-specific environment and feel to bring people out just as much as to push people away. not a line easily drawn, and i err towards individual agency. more people have still expressed interest in splitting it up.
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Postby Edgar Renteria » Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:33 pm

im sorry for posting this here so please delete but i need to say it and i have no other outlet

went home after meeting with my old coworker and lying about being sober, just met my friend i mentioned above, got hammered at our neighborhood bar, came back home and walked across the street for a handle of bulleit, ive been living out of my truck and crashing at an old neighbors apartment, im already halfway though this fucking bottle, i start classes wednesday and havent bought my books, havent bought supplies, havent secured a new place, ive just been fixated on this really fucking tmeporary state of mind, just go hour from hour, i feel completely incapable of actually planning a week ahead, and if i manage to do that, those plans go out the window early on, i fucking hate this lifestyle and i hate this mentality so much, but my entire adult life has been defined by this lack of structure with nothing to show from it. i went one week sober and despite the despondency and sadness i just felt my brain reaching for the days and weeks ahead instead of this pathetically limited viewpoint of the next hour, the night to come. im so fucking sick of that shit. fuck
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Postby antoine » Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:11 pm

I feel you edgar and I was the same way. It was always about the next time I get to drink, the next time I get too feel relief from the stress of everyday life. When you get sober, you start to be able to cope with that regular flow of time a little better. I'm actually starting to plan ahead and mark stuff down on a calendar, probably for the first time in my life. For the first time I'm taking a shot at planning a future, and it's a little scary but it doesn't feel impossible like it used to when I was living day to day and drink to drink. For a long time I really believed I didn't have a future but I'm still here and I've got a list of shit to do.

I will add that you could probably benefit from one on one counseling. It's incredibly hard to get sober on one's own and it seems like AA isn't really working for you. I find having a counselor i see every week makes me accountable for my actions. I'd try to find a counseling service if I were you. Also, I dunno personally it sounds like you're not quite ready for school. Maybe you could look into taking a semester off and use that to really focus on getting sober. The only way I can even think about getting into/through grad school is by staying sober. Drinking destroys my ability to focus and plan, like you said.
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Postby Edgar Renteria » Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:26 pm

thanks antoine

i medically withdrew from university four years ago because of substance abuse and manic depression, i re-enrolled basically because it meant i could get a huge student loan and access to subsidized medical care. im only 27 hours away from graduating, so yeah, it will be tough, but getting out of the kitchen is crucial to me making it to thirty. once classes get rolling i plan on going back to see my old counselor, i just feel bitter because she called the cops to my place back when i dropped out and they came in with guns drawn and were absolutely fucking horrible to me, and i have a tough time forgiving her for that. idk
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Postby bongo » Mon Aug 28, 2017 10:30 pm

toni (and anyone) feel free to hit me up via pm anytime to chat

everyone be kind to yourselves
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Postby Late Bloomer » Tue Aug 29, 2017 1:09 pm

Hi folks,

First time/long time…I haven’t read this thread all of the way so forgive me if this has already been covered, but I’m wondering if anyone has any tips/resources for a sober person (er, me) who is living with someone (spouse) who still drinks, occasionally to excess? Someone suggested that she try attending a AL-ANON meeting and we’re both open to that, but I don’t actually go to AA meetings myself (I’ve tried and it didn’t really work for me – I do attend SMART meetings sometimes) so I wasn’t sure if that would be weird. I know very little about AL-ANON though but it seems like it might not really fit the bill? Anyway, good work everyone!
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Postby Seamus » Tue Aug 29, 2017 4:48 pm

Thanks for the warm words, all. Antoine that book looks like the kind of thing I want to be reading, I'm going to get it tomorrow when I get paid. Also had a very similar dream to the one you described and it was weird when I woke up and wasn't hungover / still drunk. Quickly gave way to relief though. I'm slowly making my way through the sobriety and dts threads now, they're great resources to have.


Edgar, I feel exactly in the same boat as you here:

just tough because besides her my only other austin friends are heavy heavy drinkers and i dont know how to maintain my friendships with them because when i managed to go a week completely sober and wanted to share with them they were completely ambivalent, as was my sister, also an alcoholic, and im just scared about losing the only friends who have stuck with me the past 8 years ive lived here, but hopeful that going back to school will let me meet new people and make new friends where the relationship isnt dependent on us going out to get drunk in order to socialize


really wishing the best for you
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Postby lights » Tue Aug 29, 2017 5:12 pm

Late Bloomer wrote:Hi folks,

First time/long time…I haven’t read this thread all of the way so forgive me if this has already been covered, but I’m wondering if anyone has any tips/resources for a sober person (er, me) who is living with someone (spouse) who still drinks, occasionally to excess? Someone suggested that she try attending a AL-ANON meeting and we’re both open to that, but I don’t actually go to AA meetings myself (I’ve tried and it didn’t really work for me – I do attend SMART meetings sometimes) so I wasn’t sure if that would be weird. I know very little about AL-ANON though but it seems like it might not really fit the bill? Anyway, good work everyone!


I've never been to an al-anon meeting myself, but my wife has told me that it helped her deal with her dad's alcoholism. Granted she had a whole separate set of issues than a spouse would, but it helped her deal with why her father had such a tough time quitting drinking, how to support him when he was able to stop, and how to process his death when he passed due to cirrhosis. Her dad was never a big 12 step guy, but she/her family were accepted at the AL-ANON meetings since it's more about what those close to the alcoholic need/can do rather than the alcoholic themselves.

Then again this was also ~20 years ago, so I dunno how relevant it still is today.
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Postby antoine » Tue Aug 29, 2017 5:16 pm

I went to a couple al-anon meetings when my sister was deep into alcoholism. It was me and three other middle aged mothers of addicts. It was a little weird but kind of cathartic. It's probably worth looking into if it's an ongoing problem with a family member.
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Postby Late Bloomer » Wed Aug 30, 2017 4:17 pm

Cool, thanks for the responses. Sound like Al-Anon wouldn't really fit the bill, but we might check it out anyway. There seems to be surprisingly little out there for sober people who live with non-sober people but maybe I'm not looking hard enough.
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Postby little lulu » Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:26 pm

So all but two of my friends are huge drinkers and I'm addicted to bars. How do I start my sobriety if I'm so used to going out to bars and most of my friends drink?
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Postby . » Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:27 pm

I cracked last Sunday and will again tonight but holy moly is not drinking better than drinking
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