Sobriety

Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson
Courtney Love, and Marilyn Manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in

Postby antoine » Thu Oct 19, 2017 11:35 pm

And like a craving, with time it eventually passes.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:34 am

Had an absolute meltdown with my home group last night. We were talking about being restored to sanity and I'm clearly not sane right now, but I've been there and I've seen it in others and so I show up. It just came out as me bitching about the gaping hole in my guys where the wind whips through and burns and freezes me. The loneliness, the otherness, the hurt... I got a lot of support after the meeting, which was weird because I just wanted to go home. I talked to my sponsor more today than I have all week but really don't feel like I've said a fucking thing. I don't give a shit about my goddamn job but that's all he wants to talk about is me showing up to work. Maybe he just doesn't want to see me completely burn life down in sobriety.

I got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago and I feel really lost and alone and the circumstances surrounding her stepping out on me really have me re-evaluating my self-worth. I'm in a nowhere job. I'm really desperate for attention of any sort. Just like any other time in my life once I find something that makes me feel better I just run it into the fucking ground. I was hanging out with a girl for a second and it was so nice. She decided we should be friends. I really enjoy talking with her and spending time with her but it's an incredibly difficult transition to make and I end up fucking torn up inside when we go our separate ways and it's really hard to go on with my day, and yet I still try to start my day having coffee with her. I'm utterly fucked in the head and the heart and my spirit are broken.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:50 am

Are you maintaining your sobriety though, drb? Are you having thoughts of using?
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:55 am

Yeah, man! I know how to make this feeling go away, if only for a night! I know how to run the show and tell everyone to fuck right off. I can go back to that. I know the time in between drinks sucks and the lyings and the wreckage I cause sucks, but I know how to make it go away too.

There's got to be way out of this. I can't get no relief
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:00 am

:(
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:00 am

I'm 2.5 years sober and can't stand hearing "you got this."

If I had any chance of having this I wouldn't be at the fucking meetings
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:00 am

I'm never drinking again.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:01 am

i'd rather drink piss.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:01 am

hell ya
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:02 am

antoine wrote:I'm never drinking again.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:03 am

oh fuck that. This is one day at a time. I haven't drank yet. Today is a victory as I'm in bed sober and not getting up for any damn thing. Tomorrow is my cousin's wedding that, as much as I'd like to make a scene and get shit-faced, I love my grandma too much, and my mom... well, everyone would not be okay and that's a fun thought in a way, but not very nice.

AA has really ruined my drinking
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:05 am

whatever works dude
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:07 am

i relapsed on nicotine though so maybe i shouldn't jinx myself. i don't really care though at the moment.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:10 am

Is it working though? It got me this far but I'm not so sure anymore. This shit has been creeping on me for a bit now

I just don't deal with absolutes and always and nevers. I'm better with bite sized chunks that easier to visualize
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:12 am

yeah, my nicotine and caffeine have been off the charts. my nutrition is garbage but I recently started my amino acid supplements again which has surprisingly helped.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:18 am

i actually don't know if i'll never drink again. that's the plan though, i've decided. for a long time i never did the absolutes thing but i'm like 99% sure I will not being going back to the bottle. The 1% is if it's like an apocalyptic situation or something.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:18 am

i drink so much coffee it's insane.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:21 am

I wish I could have a romantic relationship with a coffee pot. It really makes the most sense
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:31 am

i'd lose a lot of very hard-fought self-respect if i started drinking again, so i don't see it happening really
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:33 am

lockheed wrote:i'd lose a lot of very hard-fought self-respect if i started drinking again, so i don't see it happening really

hey, i'm really proud of you. sincerely.
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:36 am

thanks man, likewise. 3 months on monday. life's pretty lonely and i feel pretty detached most of the time, but actually feeling proud of yourself about something significant like this is very special for me.
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:38 am

when i tell strangers about how my bad my dt's were when i was in rehab, the whole psychotic breakdown, almost having a stroke, the seizures a few months before, they're all like really impressed and it makes me feel like i did something positive myself for the first time in a long, long, long time and it's cool that other people think so too

edit: impressed that i actually made it out and have stayed sober
Last edited by lockheed on Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:40 am

i haven't mentioned it in this thread at all, but i do take 1mg of klonopin every day and it really helps a lot and i don't really care if it's not a good long-term habit
Nice day if it doesn't rain.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:43 am

That seems like a pretty good trade to me
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:45 am

lockheed wrote:i haven't mentioned it in this thread at all, but i do take 1mg of klonopin every day and it really helps a lot and i don't really care if it's not a good long-term habit

so do i. it's fine. it's controlled. i don't worry about it anymore.
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Postby antoine » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:46 am

oh wait i take .5 mg. still.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:51 am

it's not like you're doing it recreationally
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:51 am

yeah if that and tons of coffee/tea are all i'm doing i'm not going to feel worried about it.
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:52 am

Dawn Running Bear wrote:it's not like you're doing it recreationally


yeah not at all
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Postby lockheed » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:54 am

this isn't benzo related at all really since i take the klonopin much earlier in the day usually, but man i am amazed every night that i'm able to fall asleep and stay asleep. such a small wonder.
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