Sobriety

Let's talk Aguachile Alley

Postby internethandle » Fri Nov 24, 2017 4:14 pm

congrats mead(!)
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Postby mead » Fri Nov 24, 2017 4:29 pm

nice pass wrote:nice work mead. thats really awesome. do you have any wisdom to impart


sure
read every antoine post in this thread
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Postby antoine » Fri Nov 24, 2017 4:50 pm

mead wrote:one year of sobriety tomorrow thanks to so many of you

without all of you/this thread i know i would've never entertained the idea of drying out at this phase in my life <3

congrats!
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Postby mead » Fri Nov 24, 2017 7:24 pm

thanks guys :)
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Postby ashtrayheart » Fri Nov 24, 2017 7:26 pm

grats mead!
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Postby Cone » Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:43 am

Gonna make a real bummer post here but I feel like I just need to spew these thoughts out somewhere.

Last night I hit the lowest point in my life, and I’m really hoping that this is the bottom, because I don’t think I can handle sinking any lower. I’m about to officially destroy the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever had with another human being because of my drinking and with it I’ll be throwing away any hope I had for a happy and stable future, and I fear that losing my career probably won’t be too far behind unless I can finally get a hang of this fucking thing.

My s/o has put up with a lot from me over the past 48 months because of my drinking, but recently it’s gotten to the point that I can’t even be left alone for a day without running to the store to get a bottle, and her coming home from work to find me absolutely shitfaced or worse. She and my mother have both been in my corner the whole time and trying with all their hearts to help me get better, yet I continue to lie and deceive them. What kind of person does that to the people they love? I don’t know why the voice in my head that drives me to drink always overpowers the one that’s trying to tell me to stop and consider the consequences but I’m really really fucking sick of it and I want it to stop.

I have absolutely no idea where I go from here or what I can do at this point to prove to the people who love me that I actually give a shit but I guess this can either be the worst or best day of my life depending on how I handle it.
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Postby antoine » Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:51 am

Cone wrote:I have absolutely no idea where I go from here or what I can do at this point to prove to the people who love me that I actually give a shit but I guess this can either be the worst or best day of my life depending on how I handle it.

what are your instincts telling you? or how are you thinking about handling it going forward?
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Postby Cone » Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:59 am

My instinct is telling me I need to start seeing a therapist or going to meetings ASAP because I need something to keep me accountable when I'm alone and it's not my girlfriend's job to babysit me or worry about me being on my own. She didn't sign up for that life.

If I'm working or have something to do, I won't drink. But if I'm left to my own devices and free time It's all over so I guess I'm gonna give AA another shot? Therapy is expensive.
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Postby can't » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:27 am

I have been really struggling to do the work that's supposed to help me return to sanity since I started exploring AA last November. I have become more active in the process in the last several weeks. Battling my lack of self control and discipline has me constantly questioning whether I ever had any sanity that can be restored to begin with. And if I didn't, I wonder if I'm ever going to find any. But I do know this much: going and hearing people say they went through this and then being able to look them in the eye and thank them has brought a good measure of comfort that really nothing else can provide. I can attest to many other benefits as well, but I feel like it would be better promoted by some one who is living less selfishly and more honestly then I currently do. I guess I just wanted to share my experience because it really has helped a lot not to feel alone all the time and stuck in alternating modes of selfish consumption.

Congrats mead. I hope your first year sober was a good one and that you keep on doing good. I'm going to have to check out all of these Antoine posts in here
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Postby can't » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:32 am

Cone wrote:My instinct is telling me I need to start seeing a therapist or going to meetings ASAP because I need something to keep me accountable when I'm alone and it's not my girlfriend's job to babysit me or worry about me being on my own. She didn't sign up for that life.

If I'm working or have something to do, I won't drink. But if I'm left to my own devices and free time It's all over so I guess I'm gonna give AA another shot? Therapy is expensive.


I don't know what your experience has been with AA, but you can find support there for sure. It can be difficult to accept it, but it is there.
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Postby antoine » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:34 am

Cone wrote:My instinct is telling me I need to start seeing a therapist or going to meetings ASAP because I need something to keep me accountable when I'm alone and it's not my girlfriend's job to babysit me or worry about me being on my own. She didn't sign up for that life.

If I'm working or have something to do, I won't drink. But if I'm left to my own devices and free time It's all over so I guess I'm gonna give AA another shot? Therapy is expensive.

i never did AA, although i've been to a few meetings but i was referred to counseling. i think it helped me like maneuver myself into a position to where i understood why i needed to stop drinking and prepared me to do so. i think either way it's a good place to start. i'm of the opinion that the work of sobriety has to be done on your own though, it's a choice you make and have to live by and hold yourself to every day. it's good to have support but i guess i'm saying just going to aa isn't going to make you sober, but i do think any kind of support like that is a good way to get yourself "primed" for making the choice to be sober. it doesn't happen magically, you have to build yourself up mentally and educate yourself to get to the point where you can confidently choose sobriety. or something like that. anyway, yeah
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Postby mooncalf » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:44 am

Cone wrote:My instinct is telling me I need to start seeing a therapist or going to meetings ASAP because I need something to keep me accountable when I'm alone and it's not my girlfriend's job to babysit me or worry about me being on my own. She didn't sign up for that life.

If I'm working or have something to do, I won't drink. But if I'm left to my own devices and free time It's all over so I guess I'm gonna give AA another shot? Therapy is expensive.


It might be worthwhile to consider Antabuse as you begin your recovery. I never used it myself, but I have friends in the program who just couldn't get past the cravings, and their doctors recommended it. It provided a sufficient deterrent (sometimes after testing it - once) while they gave AA some time to work on them. Just some food for thought. Good luck! It does get better.
Last edited by mooncalf on Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby can't » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:49 am

I have hit lows in sobriety just as crushing if not more than when I drank. The more options I have to get out of that head space the better. I have found that listening to other's stories helps put mine in perspective or negates them so they just don't even matter for a while.
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Postby antoine » Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:58 am

can't wrote:I have hit lows in sobriety just as crushing if not more than when I drank. The more options I have to get out of that head space the better. I have found that listening to other's stories helps put mine in perspective or negates them so they just don't even matter for a while.

This makes sense.
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Postby Cone » Wed Nov 29, 2017 9:28 am

Thanks guys. I just feel really weak right now and am willing to try anything.
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Postby j-ol » Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:32 pm

lots of 12-step talk in here, but does anyone attend SMART recovery meetings? not sure how widespread it is in the usa.
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Postby goldsoundz » Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:41 pm

i went to a couple when i was first starting out. i quickly realized they were not for me, but if you're looking for something in the 12-step ilk without the baggage of AA i would give it a try
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Postby Jerome » Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:32 pm

can't wrote:I have hit lows in sobriety just as crushing if not more than when I drank. The more options I have to get out of that head space the better. I have found that listening to other's stories helps put mine in perspective or negates them so they just don't even matter for a while.


this is very true. about a month ago i hit three years of sobriety, and hit a very low mental space. important to just talk to others about it and listen to their stories to get you our of your own head. the app AA Big Book has daily speaker tapes that can be very helpful.
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Postby woozy ducks » Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:57 pm

j-ol wrote:lots of 12-step talk in here, but does anyone attend SMART recovery meetings? not sure how widespread it is in the usa.


I haven't.

I never felt any baggage was attached to the AA meetings though. Nothing but positive experiences, super glad I went to the five I did.

My lows during sobriety can't compare to my lows when I was drinking. Like feeling lethargic, depressed, tired, and worthless is one thing. Feeling all that while smelling your vomit in the other room laying in your bed on Christmas Day worried your heart is gonna stop beating is another.
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Postby antoine » Fri Dec 01, 2017 12:05 am

j-ol wrote:lots of 12-step talk in here, but does anyone attend SMART recovery meetings? not sure how widespread it is in the usa.

was gonna mention this. my counselor has mentioned these to me several times, thought about checking them out.
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Postby mascotte » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:35 pm

I thought that the cravings got me and almost had a relapse. Eventually I ended up in the local AA "Helping Hand" club. I haven't attended a meeting for 6 months, and have forgotten the relief I felt when we stand in circle and meditate for a short while.

Image
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Postby ashtrayheart » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:54 pm

i went to smart meetings for about 3 months when i first went sober and i thought they were helpful to get me started. it all depends on the group i suppose. it was helpful to have a social outlet early on (even if it's not like casual fun social it's still a social interaction which always has benefits) if you're coming from a place where everything you do outside the house has booze. i played in a few bands at the time so EVERYTHING i did besides play video games was accompanied by alcohol. it was important for me to have a meeting like that. i also found a lot of sound advice and basic techniques to deal with anxiety and cravings. id recommend something like that to get your feet wet but i also think most of it comes from within and it's a personal journey that's different for everyone.

i realized i had a drinking problem in october of 2015, desperately tried to quit and moved back home to do so in april, and finally actually stopped in november around the same time i started meetings.
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Postby Late Bloomer » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:56 pm

j-ol wrote:lots of 12-step talk in here, but does anyone attend SMART recovery meetings? not sure how widespread it is in the usa.


I've been to SMART meetings about 10-12 times. I personally found them to be a lot more useful than AA* - and they were especially useful in giving me some different ideas/tools for dealing with cravings when I first stopped drinking. if you have them in your area, I'd definitely recommend checking one out and seeing if it's a good fit for you. I don't think they're that widespread in the US, though. I live in Portland and there's quite a lot of them here, but apparently there aren't any in SF, for example, which implies that it's not that common (not sure why there's so many in Portland?) But if there are some in your area, I'd say it's worth checking out.

*I tried to go a few AA meetings but I was never able to find the "right" meeting for me - every one I went to was huge and didn't really help me out much. Nothing against AA, and I might try to go some different meetings in the future.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:02 pm

1000 days today.

Life is still life. People still let me down. I'm still letting others down. I just fibbed about having plans to a fellow in the brotherhood about having plans. This is right after the gal I thought I had plans with decided she'd rather be alone today. I can't reconcile the two.

My actions, intentions, and feelings aren't matching up.

I suppose it's my selfishness, letting my feelings be more important than her feelings, or his feelings. I don't know.

1000 days sober, and people are still people. I am not perfect but I’m getting better. I want to better myself with acceptance and expectations.

The reality is it’s just another day. A day at a time, one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway peace. The hardships are in my head though, they always have been, and I have to realize whatever is going on in my mind is no more important than what’s going on in anyone else’s.

I goofed up on that today. I thought there was a plan and it didn’t work out, and that should be ok. It IS ok. It’s not the first and not the last time that will happen, but it’s not hard for to think it’s no it’s more than that and try to impose my will and weasel my way into some sort of excuse to get what I want regardless of what is actually happening.

My intentions: to get what I want

My actions: act like an asshole

I’m not helping anyone by being a selfish asshole. I can do better. I’m getting better, but I thought I would be better than this by now.

More than the disappointment of the day has transformed into disappointment in myself once I realized what I was doing.

I got no brakes. I need to learn to pause and breathe and physically take a step back. I’m fucking working on it but it’s so hard in the moment.



The pendulum of emotion doesn’t swing as far as it used too, but it still runs me I’m ashamed to say, and it’s fucking embarrassing and I don’t want to ruin anything anymore with my self-will running riot.

I’m not writing today off as a failure yet, I can still learn and practice being a good man, but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel like shit. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be just a little bit better.

I’m sorry to everyone I’ve been an ass to, tried to manipulate or tried to get my way when it didn’t match theirs. I’ve learned a precious lesson today and it may be better than the day I was expecting.
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Postby lockheed » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:37 pm

i'm not totally sure i understand what you did that prompted such self-castigation, but maybe you're being a bit hard on yourself. Any alcoholic is definitely paranoid about that kind of selfish thought/manipulation that governed most of his or her behavior when he or she was still drinking, how the habit necessarily objectified/reduced the outside world/other people, and i can understand that you want to make sure you aren't still like that, but keep in mind anyone, alcoholic or not, who's trying to be a decent person has to contend and be accountable for behaving like that sometimes, too. maybe don't let a lot of guilt from past behavior worry you so much about these minor moments or actions that i guess trigger memories of how you were as a drinker.

congrats on 1000 days by the way.
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Postby tea preacher » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:46 pm

“Ass-kicking machine” is what it’s referred to at the meetings I go to and definitely I think it can be taken too far. I have a tendency to dwell on bad shit I’ve done too, which beyond step work is not productive. If you’re not drinking or drugging then you’re in a really good place. “Spiritual progress not perfection” and all that.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:55 pm

Thanks guys

After she decided not to hang out I called a couple times and texted and tried, though I didn't realize it at the time, to get my foot in the door, drop off her Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs, do anything to disrupt her plans with mine. I can do better.
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Postby Dawn Running Bear » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:35 am

I'm fine, guys.

I've started smoking again after a year and a half.

I'm going to let a bro from the program tattoo the Camel logo over my heart

I've joined Tinder

and I'm going to get a nipple pierced.

life is good
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Postby woozy ducks » Fri Dec 22, 2017 11:00 pm

hell yeah
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Postby bongo » Wed Dec 27, 2017 9:22 am

closing out 10 months here. feeling really good. so much remarkable stuff has happened in my life in that time period that im really sure would not have if i was still drinking. i had a kid, career pivoted from copywriting/branding/teaching college to software development (landed a great first dev job - my first "real" job after a lifetime in the freelance/adjunct game), recorded a new/very different record that im excited about, im starting a new sublabel focusing on a broader range of styles than what students of decay has become identified with... all very good things.

i still have moments where i consider whether i could possibly drink again, though i dont feel at risk per se. i force myself to reflect each time these thoughts dawn on me and, really, there are no truly compelling reasons for me to actually drink again, only silly, superficial stuff. like i find myself thinking "itd be nice to have a beer with _______ and catch up," a line of thought predicated on some like, skewed nostalgia and not actually at all consistent with how ive ever drank - more likely a "catchup beer or two" would turn into lapping whoever i met up with multiple times over -> solo trip to a subsequent bar/attempts to meet up with someone else to drink with -> multi-day bender. i tell myself, and to an extent believe, that theres no way i could drink the way i used to with a newborn and a stressful 8-5, but i am not foolish enough to roll the dice. no goddamn way.

beyond that i continue to have these great, affirming experiences while doing things sober that ive never done before in my adult life... drinking herbal tea during holiday parties late into the night, being a sort of stable, positive presence for people who have drank too much, spending lots of time with children... just generally being accountable and present, not numb, not mischievous or wild-eyed.

things are good i guess. im tired all the time from parenting and working and i eat too many pastries but im actually stable, not manic, not having panic attacks and feel maybe for the first time a bit proud of myself (?)
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa american nostalgia love it suburban living civilized families this could be my life
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