Sobriety

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Postby came to wreck » Sun Oct 21, 2018 12:03 am

thanks for posting that bingo. glad you were able to get thru that obstacle. someone once told me that while its eventually a given that we will be faced with a situation where we will want to drink, by getting thru it we will come out of it stronger and we be able to draw on that experience of defeating the craving/obsession/wanting to drink the eventual next time it happens again.



the most recent time i did step 1 i simply wrote down 20 experiences from my drinking/using that showed to me that i was def an alcoholic/addict who was powerless over alcohol and how it exactly made my life unmanageable. if i ever start romanticizing drinking/using and pondering having a drink to curb whatever uncomfortable feelings im having at that moment or good feelings ill think ill obtain from using then i can think back to one of those 20+ solid examples of why its not a good logical idea to give it another go.

by "playing the tape forward" and thinking what would actually come from me trying to have a drink/bump/hit and how that would end based on my past experiences/experiments i can stop the potentially obsessive thoughts of wanting to use again. as more time goes by sober it sometimes seems easier cause ive engrained in myself a habit of not drinking and made my life revolve so much around being sober and built up so much that i would risk losing that i'm deterred from giving it another try. but the amount of time that has gone by has also made it significantly harder to remember how it actually was and all the destruction and pain it caused me to where i could easily fool myself and overanalyze and overthink that maybe i could outsmart it this time and have the illusion that i could use my time sober and the self knowledge and positive habits ive learned with it to finally be able to drink and use in a responsible manner.

what also scares me from drinking is ive met countless ppl over the years who did get some time sober and then gave it another try and told me how it was significantly harder to come back and how some ppl never do make it back and some have horrible endings and idk if i truly would have it in me to be able to get sober again cause it can be very difficult especially in the beginning to start stringing those days together again and fully surrender to not drinking one day at a time.

last night i went to a mtg where the speaker had a story very very similar to mine. we drank and used in exactly the same manner and did a lot of the same horrible things when fucked up and had very similar bottoms that got us sober at around the same time in life. but then instead of staying sober, at around 90 days he was offered coke at a party and decided fuck it why not this once and then he was off again for 13 more years whereas i lived that decade sober. hearing how those 13 yrs went for him and how he had to hit an even lower bottom with more pain and suffering in order to surrender again i was really filled with gratitude and realized how lucky i am to be sober today and the day before.
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Postby Sports Fan of the Year » Sun Oct 21, 2018 12:05 am

that's a good and helpful post, came to wreck

edit: your edits have me worried that this sounded sarcastic. didn't intend that!
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Postby Sports Fan of the Year » Sun Oct 21, 2018 12:57 am

I'm struggling to find any literature about how you'd be expected to feel after two months of not drinking, but all I do know is that I constantly feel faint and I'm having a lot of trouble articulating myself. Did anyone else go through this sort of thing at a similar stage of the journey? I know it gets better, if anything I'm excited to emerge on the other side of these feelings of physical and mental weakness
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Postby came to wreck » Sun Oct 21, 2018 1:22 am

naw dont worry the edits are cause im not good at writing long posts or writing in general so i tried changing some things once and the second one was just cause i didnt like the paragraph spacing lol, i ghost edit a lot cause of this fyi but you just managed to catch me with your post

idk about any specific literature about ones physical experience after 2 months away from drinking but i have met and seen ppl at mtgs who drank real heavily for years and once they stopped it took them awhile to get their mental faculties up to speed so they would experience trouble articulating and formulating thoughts like it seems like youre describing. ive been told it takes awhile for the brain to repair itself after being drowned in alcohol/drugs for long periods of time but the brain is also very good at repairing itself and bouncing back with time abstinent from alcohol. some ppl even come in and have great difficulty just reading or reading outloud etc. if youre real worried about it though it couldnt hurt to see a doctor about it to ease your worries imo
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Postby mooncalf » Sun Oct 21, 2018 4:24 am

Sports Fan of the Year wrote:I'm struggling to find any literature about how you'd be expected to feel after two months of not drinking, but all I do know is that I constantly feel faint and I'm having a lot of trouble articulating myself. Did anyone else go through this sort of thing at a similar stage of the journey? I know it gets better, if anything I'm excited to emerge on the other side of these feelings of physical and mental weakness

I think that's totally normal, I went through it myself. Took me about 6 months to get out of the mental fog, and another 6 months or so to experience consistent emotional equilibrium. So yeah, for me, it was a tough slog the first year but it totally gets better given enough time. Not sure the exact mechanism, but there is a bunch of literature on PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome). Exercise helped me with this more than anything.
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Postby pablito » Sun Oct 21, 2018 7:50 am

bingooo! its so important to have those moments where you are acutely aware of how nice drinking can be and even better when you can resist. those are the actual moments when you can lay down sober bricks
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Postby dvr » Sun Oct 21, 2018 6:11 pm

Excercise helps with everything
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Postby WussWayne » Wed Oct 24, 2018 12:05 pm

oh lawd I banged someone from AA. I've only been there a few weeks
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Postby shacky » Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:16 pm

it's only been 40 days for me and tomorrow night will be the first show ive attended sober since, iunno, 2010 maybe and im sorta unsure how to navigate the situation and don't really have any plan beyond maybe just chain smoking n swallowing a ton of valium. my gp has recently given me a number to call to organise professional support and guidance but, yknow, anxiety-procrastination.

in the last 40 days i've been p socially avoidant, with the exception of my gf who im fine to be round, ive only hung with people twice. i showed up sober to band prac for the first time ever which was kinda a big deal because the rest of them had never seen me sober before in any context, but surprisingly i was socially mostly fine (and obv much more musically competent). and i actually managed to go to a bar with a friend and just order a sprite (lol) which was an even bigger deal and i told her this was the first time she'd seen me sober, she hadn't suspected anything, and she was actually more nervous than i was, worrying that my sober self wouldn't like her, but we actually had a chill time chatting for an hour, i wasn't triggered at all by her nursing a beer the whole time.

so this has given me a bit of self-belief but, like, that was just an empty bar on a weekday afternoon, v low key. ive stayed away from bars at night, any kind of nightlife, any large crowds or claustrophobic spaces. and obv the gig tomorrow is going to tick all those boxes. im not sure what's scaring me more, the idea that ill cave or that ill abstain but be unable to enjoy myself. honestly i think there's more chance of the latter happening and ive started having alcohol-related nightmares this past week, consisting in a horrible abstract sense of a future of perpetual anhedonia. i feel like my subconscious is screaming at me that ill never truly feel happiness again without alcohol, which is obviously v dangerous, and so i guess i just really want tomorrow to dispel this fear by my being able to enjoy myself. and i don't know what to do to ensue that happens, maybe there's nothing to do.
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Postby shacky » Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:20 pm

tl;dr how do u go 2 rock n roll shows without drugz??
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Postby bear » Wed Oct 24, 2018 1:51 pm

it's important to remember that even if you don't or can't enjoy yourself tomorrow, that doesn't mean that you'll never enjoy yourself in these situations, and that it's necessary to go through this period if you want to be sober. it takes time to adjust, and it's natural to go through some period of anhedonia, but is not, in my experience and the experience of those I know, perpetual.
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Postby WussWayne » Wed Oct 24, 2018 2:07 pm

Spend the entire time shitposting on this thread when not seeing the band
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Postby tgk » Wed Oct 24, 2018 2:09 pm

shacky wrote:tl;dr how do u go 2 rock n roll shows without drugz??


find out ahead of time when the set times are and then show up right before they start and leave right after
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Postby dvr » Wed Oct 24, 2018 5:58 pm

shacky wrote:tl;dr how do u go 2 rock n roll shows without drugz??


To be honest: I went sober when I was playing in a band. I lasted about 6 more months then got tired of hanging out in bars from 7pm-2am drinking soda and quit the band, broke up with my girlfriend, moved to the country. Haven't been to many shows or had much sex since. I don't feel there's any less excitement in my life now, I just spend my energy elsewhere (reading, traveling, spending time with family, and going back to school in spurts are what come to mind). It may sound bleak put that way, but what sobriety allows me to do I think is so much more than what I'm missing out on.

Don't worry about your life becoming less focused if you quit drinking. Maybe the first couple weeks or months as you adjust, but my life right now at 4.5 years feels fucking full and intense.
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Postby shacky » Thu Oct 25, 2018 6:20 am

that's some solid advice, thanks for the replies m8s
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Postby bongo » Thu Oct 25, 2018 8:38 am

heres some advice if youre anything like me: think about how little you know about the concerts you went to wasted. i like, recall auras/vibes/feelings/hazy moments of shows but very very little in the way of detail. being sober affords you the ability to actually check out a performer you like with a critical eye towards process/presentation/execution and a wealth of other things that are totally off your radar when youre wasted. maybe this seems lame but man its actually pretty awesome to be able to be present and watch the moving parts of a performance of music you like (or hate!) and come to terms with how you feel about it.

ive been to some shows sober with friends who are still drinking and afterwards tried to talk to them about the music and its like talking with a 2 year old about a movie or something.
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Postby shacky » Thu Oct 25, 2018 9:04 am

yeah i definitely feel that, doesn't sound lame at all, i recently flew a really long distance to see the jesus lizard and while i know i felt amazing in the moment im sorta remorseful for not preserving much to bring back home with me, im now left with fragments pieced together from youtube and setlist.fm. especially silly since it was the sort of crowd whose energy in itself woulda bin intoxication enough. i have to go back years for clear memories of a gig tbh. hopefully folks are up and about tomorrow night.
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Postby goldsoundz » Thu Oct 25, 2018 9:11 am

that's a pretty good way to look at any social engagement or event, really. parties, movies, dinners, whatever. remembering any and all details and not just certain things is something i try not to take for granted, even now after 2+ years
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Postby Peptobysmal » Sat Nov 03, 2018 5:19 pm

I've been off dope for like five years now, and I often find myself thinking that this is the best version of me that's ever showed up for anything. I am finally on track to finish school and have an RN degree (cross my fingers, knock on wood). I have a pretty great relationship with my partner and I am very lucky in so many ways. Lately school has been stressful and I've been having intense cravings, just the same old thoughts, ya know, "maybe just once and then I'll go back on the straight and narrow." Cravings are nothing new, and I don't anticipate that this is gonna be some stumbling block crossroads period in my life -- I have the tools I need to get by and there's too much to lose. Buuuut those cravings get so old. Whatta way to make you feel like shit.

Sometimes when I meet with my sponsor I feel like I have to explain every little thing that's going on in my life, but I've been finding it's helpful to just say, "holy shit I want to get high". And not have to feel like that requires some kind of deep searching moral inventory, but just get that thought out there into the world.

Hope you all have a good weekend.
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Postby shacky » Sat Nov 03, 2018 7:13 pm

thanks again for the replies last week guys

i ended up having a really good time which has been a big confidence boost in terms of not being terrified of a future where im a miserable recluse and then i die
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Postby mascotte » Sat Nov 03, 2018 7:35 pm

Peptobysmal wrote:I've been off dope for like five years now, and I often find myself thinking that this is the best version of me that's ever showed up for anything. I am finally on track to finish school and have an RN degree (cross my fingers, knock on wood). I have a pretty great relationship with my partner and I am very lucky in so many ways. Lately school has been stressful and I've been having intense cravings, just the same old thoughts, ya know, "maybe just once and then I'll go back on the straight and narrow." Cravings are nothing new, and I don't anticipate that this is gonna be some stumbling block crossroads period in my life -- I have the tools I need to get by and there's too much to lose. Buuuut those cravings get so old. Whatta way to make you feel like shit.

Sometimes when I meet with my sponsor I feel like I have to explain every little thing that's going on in my life, but I've been finding it's helpful to just say, "holy shit I want to get high". And not have to feel like that requires some kind of deep searching moral inventory, but just get that thought out there into the world.

Hope you all have a good weekend.


2.5 years off blow and I just occasionally have cravings that are unbearable, most of time I am agitated, nervous, unable to control my emotions, which are literally fucked after years of intoxication, it is actually worse now than 2 monts after I had left rehab, this is my most serious concern now. I guess the addiction completely destroyed my defense mechanisms of coping with stressful external stimuli, my anger bursts are out of control and seem to be destructive to everyone I love. I've been on mood stabilizers but they didn't work, now I'm on neuroleptics that sometimes calm me down but more often than not they just don't work. My therapist says I should accept myself as I am but I don't know, I need to start some anger management program or something.
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Postby madness and chaos » Sat Nov 03, 2018 7:43 pm

mascotte wrote:
Peptobysmal wrote:I've been off dope for like five years now, and I often find myself thinking that this is the best version of me that's ever showed up for anything. I am finally on track to finish school and have an RN degree (cross my fingers, knock on wood). I have a pretty great relationship with my partner and I am very lucky in so many ways. Lately school has been stressful and I've been having intense cravings, just the same old thoughts, ya know, "maybe just once and then I'll go back on the straight and narrow." Cravings are nothing new, and I don't anticipate that this is gonna be some stumbling block crossroads period in my life -- I have the tools I need to get by and there's too much to lose. Buuuut those cravings get so old. Whatta way to make you feel like shit.

Sometimes when I meet with my sponsor I feel like I have to explain every little thing that's going on in my life, but I've been finding it's helpful to just say, "holy shit I want to get high". And not have to feel like that requires some kind of deep searching moral inventory, but just get that thought out there into the world.

Hope you all have a good weekend.


2.5 years off blow and I just occasionally have cravings that are unbearable, most of time I am agitated, nervous, unable to control my emotions, which are literally fucked after years of intoxication, it is actually worse now than 2 monts after I had left rehab, this is my most serious concern now. I guess the addiction completely destroyed my defense mechanisms of coping with stressful external stimuli, my anger bursts are out of control and seem to be destructive to everyone I love. I've been on mood stabilizers but they didn't work, now I'm on neuroleptics that sometimes calm me down but more often than not they just don't work. My therapist says I should accept myself as I am but I don't know, I need to start some anger management program or something.


never related with a post on the board so much ever. I guess massive use of stimulants over time just do this. I think my ex attributed this to Borderline because he always held my mental health against me so hard but would never tell me what he thought it actually was. Do you consider it being BPD for yourself? Traits. All my therapists said they wouldn't give me the diagnosis, but always just "traits." My self-confidence has never been worse in my life since I had to hear all the awful things about myself and now I just spend so much time researching all this and trying to put an end to it/figure it out... which I guess could be looked at as a positive thing, but no, not really. He made me hate myself even more. Days like yesterday when I spin thinking about a person who gave up on me because of the stigma of mental health that he is basically proud to buy into. It is some endless hurt that doesn't go away over time. I've read 3 books on the subject and spent endless amounts of hours researching online. Anyway, it's good to hear (although sad you have to go through it too) from someone who feels the same way. I'm thankful you posted this. I love you even more than I already did now.
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Postby mascotte » Sat Nov 03, 2018 8:39 pm

Thanks madness, I feel you. I never actually related to BPD much, always had in mind ppl who were properly diagnosed as such and they were way further on the neurotic scale than me. My therapist says there's no use in attaching oneself to labels like BPD, addiction, etc., just go on with life and I attach to labels, they help me understand myself so I still think about myself as a neurotic, anxious sobering addict, which is kind of depressing in the end, lol. Plus I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, which is another meaningless pigeonhole I suppose.

My best medicine are meditation and mindfullness, they work better than mood stabilizers or antipsychotics that just made me dull. It's hard to impose a rigor of daily practice, but when you do it really works wonders. After 25 years of substance abuse I don't expect wonders now though, this process of taming anger will probably last forever.
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Postby Annie May » Mon Nov 05, 2018 9:39 pm

7 days. I've gone longer before but those times i basically had no intention of really stopping or facing the reasons why i drink and use substances. After i broke an almost week of sobriety at a party and blacked out i realized that in nearly all of the things I've done that i regretted in the past 8 years, alcohol has played a role in. Such a simple obvious realization but I'd never thought about it that way even though i knew my usage patterns were really messed up. The week has been a roller coaster, I've been crying at the drop of a hat, i got into a shouting match with my brother, I've had near unbearable anxiety attacks. But i went to a show on saturday and turned down beer and weed, and I've been talking to my therapist about it and i told a couple friends that I'm staying sober. Not much time yet but I'll check back in a few weeks.
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Postby bunkbeds » Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:00 pm

good work, annie may! that first week is a tough one, good for you for making it through and still managing to make it out to a show.
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Postby Cone » Tue Nov 06, 2018 5:22 pm

RIXX wrote:has anyone read the book tweak by nic sheff?

apparently they adapted it into a film with tim chalamet and steve carell


Just saw this and man it was pretty tough to watch. Really relatable at times and super anxiety inducing. Pretty well done movie imo
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Postby j-ol » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:32 pm

j-ol wrote:decided to get off the weed for reals. i hit a tipping point years ago where the cons became more apparent than the pros, but i kept smoking routinely, it was such a well-ingrained habit. hadn't gone a week without in probably 12 years... today is day 10. pot is legal here in canada as of tomorrow, L O L


one month down with no slips. might seem minor to a lot of people who can't fathom having a problem with pot abuse, but based on my schooling/work experience in the field/personal experience, it can certainly become a monkey on the back of some, as attested to in this thread. it's helpful to read about others' experience no matter which behaviour or substance is being grappled with, so i'm grateful to be able to pop in here from time to time. keep fighting the good fight y'all.
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Postby j-ol » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:35 pm

Cone wrote:
RIXX wrote:has anyone read the book tweak by nic sheff?

apparently they adapted it into a film with tim chalamet and steve carell


Just saw this and man it was pretty tough to watch. Really relatable at times and super anxiety inducing. Pretty well done movie imo


i believe the movie is an adaptation of his father david sheff's book, also titled beautiful boy. he's a journalist so it's very well written albeit harrowing at times, even if you know nic has seemingly come out alright. i haven't read tweak but nic's articles for the fix have always been a little... rough around the edges. could be useful to some people tho.
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Postby Cone » Wed Nov 07, 2018 1:28 pm

Yeah the film credits both David and Nic’s books at the end but the majority of it is from the perspective of the dad kind of being hopeless and having to accept that he can’t control his son’s addiction.
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Postby madness and chaos » Wed Nov 07, 2018 1:29 pm

Tweak is outrageous and insane and the movie is bland and basic. The movie definitely is completely after the Beautiful Boy book besides the one scene that contains realistic drug use with the girl. I was let down.
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