The four remaining crewmembers aboard the ship gathered in the med bay. Not because anyone was hurt, just because it was one of the only rooms left that wasn't covered in blood. They looked at one another gravely. They'd come so far. So many had died. But still, one of their number was a bullshitter alien guy.
Big cat was the first to speak. "I think we should proceed rationally. This is a delicate choice, and the consequences for making a mistake could have intergalactic ramifications. I'd hate to—"
An enormous plume of steam jetted out of mudd, cutting big cat off. He began clanking and whirring, and his head spun around wildly. Once everyone was looking at him, he immediately quieted down and became still. A panel on his front slid aside to reveal a lewd little speaking hole, which said, "Beep boop I think we should kill you."
"Yeah," said granger.
"Big time," said badvibes.
"No don't," Big cat protested, but she was cut off again by a loud honking from mudd. Once more, everyone looked at him expectantly. Another panel on his front slid aside, revealing another gross little hole. A laser bullet came out of this one really quickly, and went into big cat.
"You idiots!" she yelled. "How could you think I was the damn alien! I hate aliens! I'm human as hell!" She fell back onto the med table, and the others all gathered around her, hoping that she'd suddenly burst open or start oozing green or something. But nope. Classic human blood, coming on out of her body.
Big cat felt her strength leaving her. She thought of everything that had brought her to this place. The sheer chance of it. Hundreds of thousands of years of ancestors, reproducing and dying. Her parents, passing along their DNA. A chance interest in space as a young girl, blossoming into a professional career. Captain strawberry switchblade coming up to her at the sp'career fair and asking, "Are you a Trigger-Happy Bloodthirsty Nut?", and her saying, "Yes, I am that," and him saying, "Come work for me then." Such a delicate cosmos that it would yield implausible life, and give her the love of it. Such a cruel ballet that it would take both away. Such a godless existence that it would come to an unceremonious end here, on a junky freighter drifting through the void.
She opened her eyes and looked up at the other three. Her companions, her friends, her executors. She looked at their eyes, each of them in turn, and in those brief gazes saw contained the storied years of their friendship. Then she looked at their noses, each of them in turn, and thought about all the beautiful smells they'd smelled together, in space. Then she looked at their mouths, each of them in turn, and dr. badvibes was mouthing, "I'm an alien I'm an alien I'm an alien I'm an alien I'm an alien I'm an alien I'm an alien I'm an alien" over and over again, so she took out her blaster and shot him. Then she died.
badvibes didn't explode right away, he just started swelling up grotesquely. He looked at mudd and granger and asked, "Why? Why have you slaughtered us? We were no threat to you. We just wanted to live, and be happy, and enjoy one another's company, and you have gunned us down like lunatics."
"We're sorry," said granger. "It's just the way we are."
Then badvibes exploded, and the green went everywhere, and granger gobbled it all up like a little piggy because he loves the way that aliens taste which is disgusting. mudd just watched because mudd is a robot and cannot eat anything.
Then the two of them went to the bridge and banged on the door, and said, "Captain strawberry switchblade! All the aliens are dead! We're good!"
And Captain strawberry switchblade yelled back, "Really?"
And they yelled back, "Yup! Really!"
So Captain strawberry switchblade opened the door and looked at his two crewmembers, who were sorta dinged up and dirty and covered in blood and gunk. And they looked at him, and he looked great, because he'd been eating well and exercising and getting plenty of sleep.
They celebrated for twenty minutes, then they pushed everyone else's bodies into space and went the rest of the way to Jupiter-1000, where they split the payment for carting 20 space-tons of sp'opium across the galaxy. Then granger and mudd shot Captain strawberry switchblade in the back and divvied up his share, too. This made them both very rich and they lived forever. The end.
big cat is dead. She was a Trigger-Happy Bloodthirsty Nut.
dr. badvibes is dead. He was a Me Too.
mudd and granger survive and are rich now. They were both Trigger-Happy Bloodthirsty Nuts.
Crew wins.
]
