Gouging out Zooey Deschanel's eyes + eating them like grapes

[speakers]

Someone please tell me I'm not making it up.

[dragon jeans]

can't be paying for email

I've only experienced credit card fraud once. The following is a comprehensive list of the thief's fraudulent purchases:

• A Match.com account
• A Premium Yahoo mail account

I didn't even ask for either company to refund my money. I figured I could spare 30 bucks for whoever's first thoughts were to purchase those two accounts.

[dragon jeans]

What I'm saying is: you're welcome, Zooey.

[ghdvfddzgzdzg]

how do you buy 2000 in clothes a month and then have to spend 600 on cleaning them? how do you spend a grand on food for yourself at home each month? and be eating out enough to spend $500? And not be like 500 pounds?

i literally don't know how either of those can happen. or are like drug costs stuck all through all these numbers

[fester]

She's vegan and has a million allergies so she's probably a big tipper out of guilt for being such a shitty customer.

[patrick cokane?]

$500 is probably nothing when you're not going to shit cafes

[dragon jeans]

how do you buy 2000 in clothes a month and then have to spend 600 on cleaning them? how do you spend a grand on food for yourself at home each month? and be eating out enough to spend $500? And not be like 500 pounds?

i literally don't know how either of those can happen. or are like drug costs stuck all through all these numbers

These are totally reasonable numbers for someone making 95k/mo in NYC or LA or wherever she is.

[sleigh]

I'm certain if I made 95k/mo I'd spend at LEAST $500 eating out. Oh absolutely now that I'm thinking about it? I'd spend WAY more than that. Being the one rich guy among all my friends? In LA? I'd take my friends out to eat ALL the TIME. To the NICEST PLACES. And then we'd come back to my place (which would be WAYYY EXPENSIVE TOO because i make over a million in annually) and there would be NO STAIRS, just tiny little TRAMPOLINES instead! And when you get uptramps to the guest bedrooms... they wouldn't have beds.... they'd have giant marshmallows!!! And I'd have to buy a new giant marshmallow every time someone stayed over and that would be a pretty big part of my >500 dining out total.

[Feech La Manna]

Seems kinda silly to have 1.5 mil in deposit accounts when you spend 22k a month. Make your money work for you, Zo.

[Mesh]

I'm certain if I made 95k/mo I'd spend at LEAST $500 eating out. Oh absolutely now that I'm thinking about it? I'd spend WAY more than that. Being the one rich guy among all my friends? In LA? I'd take my friends out to eat ALL the TIME. To the NICEST PLACES. And then we'd come back to my place (which would be WAYYY EXPENSIVE TOO because i make over a million in annually) and there would be NO STAIRS, just tiny little TRAMPOLINES instead! And when you get uptramps to the guest bedrooms... they wouldn't have beds.... they'd have giant marshmallows!!! And I'd have to buy a new giant marshmallow every time someone stayed over and that would be a pretty big part of my >500 dining out total.

4/5

[Feech La Manna]

Who wants to tell Zooey about bitcoins?

[delgriffith]

Gosh darn it being adorkable isn't cheap you god damn fucking cocksuckers.

[sleigh]

Gosh darn it being adorkable isn't cheap you god damn fucking cocksuckers.

She spends two thousand lira (!!?) monthly on ukeleles.

[mudd]

i think 'plucking' would have flowed better. good thread, though.

m

[trope]

If you count drinks, I spend more than $500 a month eating out.

[Locke]

i live on $500 a month

[cram]

i spend 500 each month just on posts

[Locke]

Cram Chowder is making it rain on hipinion every month.

[Totally]

i think 'plucking' would have flowed better. good thread, though.

m

I considered this as well as eatin' and 'em but went for the darker tone.

[glaucon]

I'm certain if I made 95k/mo I'd spend at LEAST $500 eating out. Oh absolutely now that I'm thinking about it? I'd spend WAY more than that. Being the one rich guy among all my friends? In LA? I'd take my friends out to eat ALL the TIME. To the NICEST PLACES. And then we'd come back to my place (which would be WAYYY EXPENSIVE TOO because i make over a million in annually) and there would be NO STAIRS, just tiny little TRAMPOLINES instead! And when you get uptramps to the guest bedrooms... they wouldn't have beds.... they'd have giant marshmallows!!! And I'd have to buy a new giant marshmallow every time someone stayed over and that would be a pretty big part of my >500 dining out total.

5/5. excellent.

[chimp_]

if i judged girls based on their previous relationships id never have another girlfriend....still might not but whatever

[sleigh]

YES WE CAN GOUGE




lay the trap barry, lull her in.... delta squadron waitin around the corner w/ extra helis & spoons.... thats the barack obama i voted for

[Juggly D, The Posting Maniac]

im voting romney

[Jeremy]

Yeah I might have to kill the President now.

[sleigh]

you know he's fucking w/ her because he wishes her a day full of love and laughter.... that's like wishing a cow a stomach full of methane

[Durham]

[sleigh]

he may as well have said "i hope you strum a ukelele and whistle a carefree tune on this, the anniversary of your birth"

chick'll be eyeless in weeks, if that.

[sultanpepper]

DISCUSSION THREADS FEATURED ALL START A NEW THREAD

feelinglistless Wed 18 Jan 2012 4:06 PM

The first time I really noticed Zooey Deschanel, though in truth it felt like she'd noticed me, was near the beginning of Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous, in which she plays Anita, the rebellious big sister of William, Crowe’s avatar in this autobiographical piece. She was leaving home to become an airline stewardess and before toddling off around the world she said goodbye to her little brother and as ever Crowe employed a point of view shot because he wanted us to see the world through William's innocent perception.

As she loomed over her brother, she looked directly at us and although the effect of this is lost even on the biggest television, in the cinema on a massive screen, we were collectively hypnotised by her saucer like blue eyes. I’ve never been cool, never will be cool, but when she said, "One day, you’ll be cool", a decade ago, I could well believe it and watching again for the purposes of taking the not quite convincing low angle shot reproduced above for illustrative purposes, I believed it again.

That single moment probably defines her entire career, the girl who makes you feel cool. She does it again in the disappointing film version of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Galaxy which despite the best efforts of Stephen Fry as the book, is an abomination, but offers the best of the Trillians, which isn’t hard because (a) Douglas Adams himself had admitted that he always underwrote her in the early stories and (b) because Zooey steals every scene she's in, even when acting opposite a hypertensive Sam Rockwell as Zaphod.

She is understated. Human. Even more so than Martin Freeman whose main crime is not being Simon Jones, which is odd because Zooey is neither Susan Sheridan or Sandra Dickinson. But unlike either of those her Trillian seems like someone you could meet at a party, fall for, but who'll ultimate leave with some other, spacey guy, unless she's in the mood to make you think better of yourself, work through your low-self esteem and, yes, one day make you cool.

It took a few more years before someone neatly defined that special quality, the manic pixie dream girl. Since being coined by Nathan Rabin at The AV Club, it’s become the key discoursal phrase when describing the girl who saunters into a rather straight protagonist’s life and shakes it up, the kind of figure Arthur Dent epitomises even if the weird meta-narrative he's trapped in has other plans. Not every role. You could argue against Anita and certainly Alma in The Happening barely qualifies (a film which we’ll return to),

But in Elf, Yes Man and 500 Days of Summer and countless others, she’s the slightly quirky, bo-ho figure, usually with an ability to sing who causes some male to look again at their life and find it wanting. But unlike other MPDGs, the Kirsten Dunsts or Natalie Portmans who’re acting the role, and despite having not appeared in Rabin's original list, Zooey embodies it and when in the above examples she's not offering the smirk of giddy tolerance every five minutes, she's working against her natural tendencies.

From what I’ve seen of her television series New Girl (which is admittedly not much), it’s also a continuation of all that tone. You know what you’re going to get from a Zooey Deschanel performance which is really quite comforting. We expect musicians or directors to keep within their own style, with one or two exceptions, so why should we expect anything more or less from an actor? She’s the master of the precise thing she does and projects have probably suffered when she's trying other things.

All very old Hollywood and it continues into real life (or the version of real life that's filter through gossip blogs). Recording the soundtrack album to Winnie the Pooh is a very MPDG thing to do, as is wearing vintage clothes, co-owning a lifestyle website called Hello Giggles and marrying the lead vocalist from a mid-level band like Death Cab for Cutie, presumably breaking the heart of some other bloke close to hand, before perhaps breaking his heart too.

Not that she’s the reason to watch every film. As with everyone else involved, The Happening almost ended her career, though I still argue that even if you disagree with intent, "Night" directed the actors to "do it that way" so they can’t really be held responsible (not that admittedly "following orders" isn’t a recipe for trouble). Most recently she was wasted in Your Highness (incidentally with Portman), a film which only seems to work if you’re the breed of person who thinks Danny McBride is the comic genius he isn’t.

Zooey’s musical career has happily been more adorable. As one half of She & Him, M. Ward being the Him, she’s produced the musical equivalent of her fashions, recalling the vintage tones of the 40s and 50s but with a modern twist. The original material was summed up well by Pitchfork in an interview when they suggested "listening to your lyrics I sometimes feel like a big sister is giving me advice" (bringing us back to Almost Famous).

The cover versions are something else, amongst other things recapturing Gonna Get Along Without You Now from a myriad tonally incorrect disco versions though somehow also influenced by the rendition on Laverne and Shirley Sing. Yes, that Laverne and Shirley. Their new acoustic Christmas disc is right on form, with almost minimalist accompaniment to old faithfuls like Have Yourself a Merry Christmas, the art redolent of dime store LPs from the 1950s.

In other words, my opinion of Zooey Deschanel is that she’s adorable and just the big sister I would have wanted growing up if I hadn’t been an only child and far younger than I am now. I appreciate she’s not to everyone’s taste, the reaction to her singing of the US national anthem proved that, but I’m yet to particularly find a flaw. Anyone who can be plagued by her similarity to some new singer who’s just turned up yet still agree to appear in a photograph with her has to be a bit funny and they’re the kinds of people I tend to like.

[transitive]

I was cutting across a muddy field yesterday and all I could think of was living out Totally's fantasy of squishing her eyes like grapes.

[dreamshake]

So I was listening to the queen is dead today and studying and this girl next to me noticed and told me she heard of them from 500 days of summer and I was like whatever but then she called their music quirky and asked me if I liked zooey deschanel too and I just wanted to gouge zooey's eyes out right then and there.