Fruitless attempts at being cool in your childhood

Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson
Courtney Love, and Marilyn Manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in

Postby Buddy Knox » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:33 pm

In sixth grade I wore a Hawaiian shirt and slicked my hair back for the sock hop. I also left my glasses at home. I ended up sitting at a table the entire night with the two boys I hung out with at recess every day while everyone else in our grade danced to the Space Jam soundtrack.
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Postby Buddy Knox » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:39 pm

In seventh grade I brought my notepad with me to lunch to brainstorm possible catchphrases I could adopt. The only one I remember was "I'm doing grape" which would be used in response to someone asking me how I was doing. I do not know why I thought this would make me cool but thankfully I never tried it out.
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Postby chumpchange » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:40 pm

tried to borrow my dad's cologne for an 8th grade dance. found out later i'd worn my mom's perfume
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Postby WeirdJungle » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:43 pm

I was really confused by slick hair in middle school, I didn’t understand how it worked or why people did it and for some reason I never thought to ask anybody smarter than myself.

I spent one dance going back to the bathroom every 15 minutes to put water on my hair because somehow I just assumed that was what everyone else was doing. I did get to dance with a girl from my English class though (!) so I guess it wasn’t totally fruitless.
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Postby jalapeño ranch » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:50 pm

chumpchange wrote:tried to borrow my dad's cologne for an 8th grade dance. found out later i'd worn my mom's perfume

When I was in junior high I had a huge crush on this girl Kelsey. I ended up spending the Fourth of July with her and a few of her friends, and I decided to put on a bunch of cologne beforehand. It was incredibly hot out and the cologne attracted a bunch of mosquitoes. We were constantly attacked the entire night and she dumped me to close out the evening.
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Postby kid8 » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:50 pm

listen, it's cool that you can talk about it now.
Oh, I'm a failure, because i haven't got a brain.
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Postby turquoise albino » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:59 pm

wore a white tshirt under my black tshirt and then rolled up the sleeves on those bad boys so the black shirt had white rolled up sleeves :ahuh:
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Postby KPH » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:03 pm

Couple different cracks at the Tony Hawk haircut in 6th and 7th grade before I accepted that nope, my hair would not do that. Soon after I very much modeled myself after BBD and Color Me Badd. Triple F.A.T. Goose, Z Cavariccis but mixed with all the Vision Street Wear from the previous identikit. The pivot to obsessive Cure fan was only months away, thankfully.
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Postby Buddy Glass » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:09 pm

I wore a NIN shirt in middle school and some asshole kids wondered if that meant I was "gay," back when that was understood to be a pejorative.

Also in middle school, I briefly tried to befriend and fit in with the skater kids, started wearing Mossimo and Stussy, etc. I thought I was making inroads (I went over to one kid's house a bit, had some sleepovers, etc) until I got a crank call on a Friday night from what was obviously those same kids just acting weird/being dicks/making fun of me in a way I guess they thought I couldn't pick up on, but of course I did. Didn't talk to them any more after that.
What became of her? She lived, as she liked to say, off the kindness of gentlemen. I assume she’s dead.
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Postby This Guy » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:18 pm

I tried to slick back my hair but didn’t know how. Still don’t. It was a disaster.
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Postby chumpchange » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:20 pm

in 9th grade they banned wallet chains at my school. to protest, i made one out of paper clips and wore it to class, thinking it would rally and impress my peers. it did not.
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Postby sympathy » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:48 pm

This Guy wrote:I tried to slick back my hair but didn’t know how. Still don’t. It was a disaster.


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Postby walt » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:19 pm

Buddy Glass wrote:I wore a NIN shirt in middle school and some asshole kids wondered if that meant I was "gay," back when that was understood to be a pejorative.

Also in middle school, I briefly tried to befriend and fit in with the skater kids, started wearing Mossimo and Stussy, etc. I thought I was making inroads (I went over to one kid's house a bit, had some sleepovers, etc) until I got a crank call on a Friday night from what was obviously those same kids just acting weird/being dicks/making fun of me in a way I guess they thought I couldn't pick up on, but of course I did. Didn't talk to them any more after that.


Fuck those kids
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Postby mancubz » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:27 pm

i thought "being funny" would work and i remember one day in 7th grade after school i made kent g, who i'd been in loooooooove with since 4th grade, laugh so so much. the next day though my bff emily h told me that after i'd left, kent g had been all, "that girl is so funny!" but then the actually 'cool girls' told him that ew no i was a loser and not cool. i didn't talk to him again.
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Postby shame dawg » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:31 pm

Sun-In highlights
Visor
Color coordinated hoop earrings (x4) + rubber bands on braces
Knock off sports jerseys without last name and/or number on the back

Had no idea what to do with hair once middle school came - styled it with pounds of LA Looks Gel but I’d have so much anxiety about it making it through the school day that I’d then douse it in this hairspray with a purple kangaroo on the bottle, just like point blank spraying the same general spot on top of my head 5 times and then my bangs until they literally dripped.

Usually by 5/6th period I’d be able to bend, split, and snap exhausted, hardened rows of hair like straw from Chernobyl’s exclusion zone. In the winter months It’d get so rock fucking frozen solid at the bus stop if I raised my eyebrows as high as I could it would make a clearly audible crunch and crack sound. I’d like to be able to say I stopped this routine by high school but that would be a lie.
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Postby shame dawg » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:35 pm

all I know is I suddenly didn’t own any jeans without piping down the side and I certainly didn’t look like Devon Sawa
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Postby gauchebag » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:36 pm

-jnco jeans
-skateboard
-abercrombie winter coat
bruce1: fucking, fighting, i'm the one with gun
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Postby Grey Poupon » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:41 pm

one xmas in the mid 90s I came back to the new school year and told my friends/clique that I had gotten roller blades (they'd been bladin' for the last year) and they said 'we all got skaters [skateboards] now' so I was basically snubbed from any social skate gatherings

v. milhouse
Last edited by Grey Poupon on Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby john plainman 2 » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:43 pm

in first grade, I thought a Good Look would be to pull my collar down on one side and expose my shoulder. I was owned before the bus even got to school
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Postby Grumby » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:47 pm

red yankees cap like fred durst, i was the only person in my middle school class who was doing this. (and had parents that would let him get parental advisory cds)

but that actually wasn't fruitless because i think the older nu-metal kids liked me for it. and they were like "hey lil bro, wassup" but the actual kids i was in class with thought i was a weird angst boy
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Postby Grumby » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:48 pm

ball chain necklace, as well.
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Postby dvr » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:50 pm

maybe hipinion isn't the best name for the board after all
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Postby Grumby » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:55 pm

i have pictures of me in that red yankees cap that i should really scan because i think it's hilarious. i wore it backwards too just like durst. i was nine years old, gimme a break
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Postby dvr » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:59 pm

sorry, it's just one of those days
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Postby fester » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:01 pm

tried very very hard to replicate the look of Ted Theodore Logan with clothes i had around the house

wore sweatpants under cutoff jeans and rainbow suspenders with a cropped shirt to school in 4th grade
------------
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Postby Seamus » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:02 pm

put soda in my hair at a school dance to spike it up

dyed my hair and eyebrows green
Raise. Hell. All. Summer. Long.

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Postby clouds » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:09 pm

i combed my hair to the front and gelled it into this stiff tidal wave shape in 6th grade. the sad thing is i knew it looked dumb and i hated it, but all the other boys were doing it and school is terrible.

it was so stupid. don't know what to google to get a pic.
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Postby dvr » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:11 pm

i'm trying to think of something to contribute but i think my childhood is when i reached peak coolness. see you in WussWayne's "Fruitless attempts at being cool in your adulthood" thread
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Postby uncledoj » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:24 pm

Tried really hard to dress like T2 era Edward Furlung, which basically entailed wearing one of my parents' way too large flannel shirts unbuttoned with a t-shirt underneath. I'm sure it looked terrible, and I didn't even try to do the haircut
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Postby bruceagain » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:39 pm

fester wrote:tried very very hard to replicate the look of Ted Theodore Logan with clothes i had around the house

wore sweatpants under cutoff jeans and rainbow suspenders with a cropped shirt to school in 4th grade

crying
The Internet is supposed to be fun. If you're not enjoying yourself, you can leave the forum forever and never look back.
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