let's have a bad time (tw: transactional exchange, cancer)

Let's talk hats

Postby , old hat » Mon Oct 11, 2021 7:46 pm

Love ya. Glad to hear from you even considering the circumstances. I bought a shirt from you once. When it got to me it was like 5 sizes to big for me. Wish I still had it. I left it in an apartment I .over out of.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Tue Oct 12, 2021 8:25 pm

i had typed up a (like really) long ass post w updates etc last night

but i appear to have konked out and left my laptop unplugged so the drowsy draft's shredded electron oblivion

alas

given the time i'll make some attempt at its recreation later this evening

i want to thank and acknowledge those of you who've contributed

i'd been sulk-sauntering past an array of grim autobody shops in the night when a particular message about the assy nature of cancer came through

i looked down in mild disorientation, looked back up, and made what felt like direct gazing contact with a low-hanging crescent moon

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oceanic_feeling)

Image

Image

had me like

we'll talk more soon

i also want to thank the lord (you know)

ever polished

thanks to go around
more forthcoming on that tip (watch this space) (live tonight sold out)

Image

thank you to for the Image luv

thank you

thank you

i'll also get to posts PMs etc hopefully this evening

Image

a messenger bat told me that someone had mentioned that the paypal account in the OP wasn't accepting transactions

i went in and confirmed the bank account that's attached to it, hopefully that resolves whatever was going on with it?

more soon
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Wed Oct 13, 2021 8:01 pm

im sorry

life has been a series of dissociative fugues

Image

the last time i tried to Go on the Computer

i laughed at this for fifteen minutes

and sent it to some friends who i'd hope(d?) would be sympathetic to the specific unease it induced

]Image

and i haven't done a lot of laughing lately

so i let it keep going

i need to keep going

but!

but,

that's not a delivery of updates

as promised

which is why i'd opened the computer

but i get confused and conflicted when i "open the computer,"
Go on the Computer

i think it's all by design

they'd like to keep us this way -- it's immensely convenient

you must admit

(Conspiratorial They)

but you know what i mean -- (emdashes stopped working for some reason on my keyboard -- Apple -- you know) --

the people who most stand to benefit from a disconnected population
fed on learned helplessness and self-serving nihilism
as justification for the continuance of the uncontinuable

the shapers of digimateriality who are most susceptible to an attack from vigorous upstarts

the people who really really REALLY (REALLY REALLY REALLY) REALLY really REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't like competition

want to keep you Fucked Up

i'm not being funny

you might be laughing but i'm not being funny

they want to keep you discombobulated and fucked up

i'm gonna post that other shit Later but i've got a meeting in fifteen and that post isn't happening in fifteen but i felt that A Post should happen

ok keyboard mash
here's to forever
ilu

Image
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Postby mcwop23 » Wed Oct 13, 2021 11:01 pm

don’t feel like you owe anyone any explanations

just do what you can to get “right”
wendy wrote:
colin meloy doesn't need to die
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 3:01 pm

Image
Image


like many of you (i am sure)

i am having strange experiences with the dilation of time
Toggle Spoiler


and the ability to willfully create meaning

i apologize if i'm coming in like hazy out-of-town radio

though i was thinking, earlier, on the porch

that in a general sense, if i had A Message For Some-Bordering-On-A-Lot of People Here

like if we were face to face full eye contact and had five minutes and Fuck Off maybe i'll never see you again?

it'd be left eyelid
                    STOP
                                              right eyelid
                                              APOLOGIZING

not in all senses

but in the habitual sense

if you feel seen you might be

we're all experiencing a similar suck

Image

to update:

thanks to your generosity
we were able to take care of some deferred maintenance on the car

thanks to thanks to thanks to
thank you
seriously

i'd posted about it a bit (a lot) — i'm an anti-car zealot, obnoxious
but hypocritical enough to keep one in a city that demands it
if you have any desire to live
without constant obstacles
routine humiliation
etc

we were just going to Get Rid of the God Damned Thing
since l'Ex
(lord help me i'm postcrafting lord help me i'm wearing a "le trollface" Noh mask lord help us all)
is wfh
and i roam everywhere
like all the other unmedicated/extremely medicated people

but now that's gone, really
as an option
in any dignified, reasonable, realistic, pragmatic, you'd ever want anyone you know or care about it sense:
the doing of what must now be done without reliable personal transport Would Suck

new german word for Amerikaproblem or similar
pls

many Amerikaproblems very emergent in life

good news is we're currently on the favored side of some of those problems

i think there might be a viral tweet about this?
like a "classic tweet"
like some nick @ nite ass tweet
but my head is full of other things
so it's gist reference

i'm sorry (left eyelid)
my ability to manifest continuous concentration (is concentration necessarily continuous?) is wrecked
god damn dogs barking ("Martian Eminem idea")
god damn delivery man
god damn it

anyway
anyway

as of today
an MRI/PET scan is scheduled for this evening

the new Dr. (there have been two) was able to expedite things
Dr.2 was pleased
to the extent that pleasure can be drawn from such a thing
with the speed with which the cancer had been identified
and today
we should know more about the extent of its spread

surgery is certain and necessary
there are concerns about functionality
there is the certainty of pain and loss
there is the certainty of alteration

it eats me up to watch an expressive person recede

death
if it does not strike lightning sudden
comes in waves
today's findings should explain the coming longitude

radiation is a maybe
chemotherapy's on the table

vanity and folly

ha ha ha life is a
yes
so

T.F.G (doesn't exist).:
corporate (shouldn't exist) jobs (shouldn't exist)
have
insurance (shouldn't exist)

this mother fucking surgery comes in at $70k (did u know the AMA artificially limits the # of Drs follow me on socials at infowa—)
a figure that specifically calls to mind two potential reactions:

the detached ease of the seasoned car collector
transactional
managed
composed

"ah, another grim task"

check, check, check
check

a scribble, an annoyance

this is how some people eat $70k

it's not a lot of people
but it's how some people make do

for others
far greater in number
i envision
and embody
absolute panic, astonishment, befuddlement
an inconceivable figure

an absolute death sentence

but we're playing Calvinball abstraction money games
as ever
so what is $70k in Ξ?
what is $70k in 氣?

healthcare bingo bonus nonsensebucks
fuckjoebidenfootballchant
hell ass world

powerlessness

T.F.G.(exists, loves you in this instance):

insured

what it'll all come down to at the end of the days and the co-pays i couldn't tell you
if It Happened to Me i'd be
So Fucked rn
so

Thank U God Thank U Hipinion Thank U Terror Thank U Nothingness Thank U Thank U Thank U

thank you life-extending corporate daddy for your unfair allowances
(gap earth as avatar of disembodied corporate vampire-egregore)
(disembodied corporate?)
(whoa)
fuck fuck fuck

it's looking as though Things will proceed briskly:
again, time's been way gone strange
but i believe surgery will be in about three weeks
and that will be the primary determinant of how Things proceed

ImageImageImageImageImage

                                 please hold

Image
        Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 3:55 pm

Image

i think i might be "posting through it"Toggle Spoiler

                            fuck it


              Image

we all need outlets and lord knows a dumb fuck like me's slogging-and-a-sprawlin like exurban ferragamo

i've yet to read any posts or PMs etc

iwanted
i guess
      to Go On the Computer and CRANK RAW so to speak (rag always red etc)



in the absence of leading,
markers,
news, etc.

lord help me               i'm i'm i'm
postcrafting

i've got a negligence beard
in the backyard
and a thousand yard stare i'm trying to funnel into typetext

right here now

i've been doing a lot of crying behind sunglasses
and i try to feel like a jazz musician about it

but i fear that i may yet be

(it was always a way of reasoning out loud)

scat song shit shoveling

thank the lord
thank you to chris crescent moon moon Image

thank you to those who understands the gifs as a magicians circular protection
i ward off the www
Bigg Info
as a habit, now
as i should have done long ago

Image
Code: Select all
/la_casita_del_autismo/circle2.gif
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speaking of jazz musicians
l'Ex was-is a saxophonist
(i hear a symphony)

and so when i think about that embodied experience
(i'm no muso but there are french words)
          you know them

so

loss, loss, loss
waves

where i'm going with this is — this is an insane person

with an ill-gotten MFA
and a past spent in improvisational noise acts

who is very grateful for the support received

and who has expressed a desire to demonstrate that gratitude through some TBD T.C.B.

it'll probably be a print of some variety

it'll absolutely be overconsidered and beautiful

this is a person with the capacity to engage with This Right Here Right Now You And Me level of energy that floats me

so

it'll be            what you're thinking
Image

your kindnesses will be transmuted into Some Shit
await

i do have a
Toggle Spoiler

SERIOUS QUESTION
which is:
that employer-daddy's a pretty new one
and there's as yet been no disclosure of the cancer to daddy

has anyone here who's navigated corporate existence got any advice on how best to approach that?
Toggle Spoiler


the impulse is to grit'n'grind
but given the invasive nature of the surgery
and the potential implications of notably altered speech
hiding can only go on so long (Life, Lessons, LOL)

it is the piss servant's paradox
to be immensely warmed by corporate fatherlove (you get to not die)
but wary of telling him our troubles (maybe you do get to die)

(Father Will Yell if you)

(you died)

American birthright is breakneck placement into multiple tiered abusive relationships

sirens, sirens, sirens      horns, horns, horns

the first thing i did when i Got on the Computer the other day was tgoogletheeeeetymology of 'Deranged' (wield word like specimen)
before i fell under the spell
of laughing at the gif of the mascot dog
fucking a warm bag of tortillas
and i wondered if his little pink cock was being abraded with latenight crispcrunch
or if it was butterheaven easymother

the sort of meal someone really paid attention to
and served to you with care

and

he's just
pounding
glee              Image

(i sent it around)
Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 7:05 pm

ogle spoiler

Image

passing notes in class little digital scrapbook pimp
Toggle Spoiler

talking out my ass big bulbous blimp

i hadn’t eaten in a couple days

actually i stil haven’t
but i just housed two slices of muenster cheese (sad stress meal-let)
and an edible

and i just poured the remains
of this morning’s now-cold coffee
into a mint chocolate soylent
that was purchased for me

as it has been apparent that i am Not Eating Again

speaking of which!

hilariously?

 hilariously,

LX’s initial response to this financial flattery

(“i have a little bit of money for you, i—“)

was a terse

       HAVE YOU BEEN SELLING DRUGS AGAIN

that came
pre-baked

with a forgiveness bordering on eagerness Image

i typed,

earlier,

a 100% battery’s-worth of unplugged decade-old Macbook’s words,

outside

i gave it all
until the thing died

to the hilt to the hilt
to the hilt to the hilt

we’ve got 40% now

did i mention the improvisational noise thing

anyway,

       i

keep forgetting that this soylent is
food & i’m

trying to will this headache away

    yo i heard

  yo i heard The Soylent Guy got a secret lab full of CIA grade bioenhancement shit

no really though i did

   killer parties?         supposedly

the mouthfeel of the Soylent bottle was unpleasant

           i think this might be how you “get soy face”

if u r insured
can u
“heal soy face”

anyway
it’s
a meal in a mug now

i’m a fucking cowboy now
and i’m here on this consumer product review feedback form
to tapdance the entire zoo

i’ll sign every last one of your guestbooks

it’s a stick-up it’s a charade it’s show biz it’s whatever you need it to be baby
i’ll do Cock Ratings
what we got goin on it
’s normal to do OnlyFans now i don’t care

a chaos magician
pick-up artist
bob dylan impersonator i met in the park told me
between harmonica hums
that men are all bottoms in denial

and while i don’t agree with the sentiment in full
i understand what he was getting at

then he told me i was gibby haynes

then he put on a wiz khalifa hat

then he walked around with me for a couple hours
and told me i was schizophrenic

that was a weird day

he gave me a magnet

it’s bob dylan

it’s a bob dylan magnet

i keep it upside down,

under my Other Computer (w*rk c*mptr)

This Machine
is for Fuckery
(stickers now available)

          This Machine Bathes Baathists

this machine’s a
boddhisatva
set on shit whistle
end run trivia

    “your body is a potluck” — john dahmer

i go
full zorn
cuz i have shithead impulses
with the can’t stop

kiedis def has same problem

we are all varying expressions
of pretty similar foundational ideas Image

one time
Office Plant On Here
told me to
write
like i was writing to an interested friend

this came amidst a flurry of PMs
sent in a depressive fit
at what i understood as continual willful misunderstanding

(this “type of guy”
meme shit annoys me
because it’s an idea i’ve been trying to express
4ever
and they just
they just

tweeted it out

DO YOU SEE WHY I DONT LIKE TO GO ON THE COMPUTER MUCH YET)

Image

won’t stop
won’t stop
ding a dang a
            ding a ding a dang dong

so in this instance
i’m trying to
basically
just send digital epistles to polybius
throw a public fit
for the fuck of it

my interiority feels like some time collapsed all-encompassing collection of
All Songs, Ever
TIME-LIFE
now!

Image

everything is for sale

i can hear everything,
all the time

i’ve been buzzed by a fly,
or what i understand to be one
an alleged fly
all day

circling

Image

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Glass_Bees)

         you know god damn well the assassinations are coming Image

“im rAnTiNG” but

fuck this specific app/website (T☎☎☎☎☎R )

like Fuck this app/website
and fuck what it does to people
and fuck how it makes people talk
and fuck the sneering pseudo-interactions it encourages
normalizes
enforces
standardizes!
never go to it
but Hey Look At This

pulls out phone,
shoves it in your face

lots of bacteria visibly writhing on the surface,
backlit unpleasantness

hot breath
panting, awaiting, Image

an-ti

ci-pating



T☎☎☎☎☎R can absolutely get Fucked
but
dig these starship trooper copters

gonna get killed
in the most charmless way imaginable
by something or other
post-human,
fully
if
i don’t get run over by a truck first

32%
1/3 soylent-coffee consumed

i have begun to transform into a catgirl
my breasts are budding and i am “high hopes” dancing,
Pete for America! Pete for America!

i clap and laugh

i have been paid to post here
by Big Soy

and T☎☎☎☎☎R

and Tinder

and MCI and JC Penney

i’m viral marketing for Venmo (fangs dripping, graphic)

marketing is more like cancer than a virus, really

(grim realities)

they said:

SISSY,

get your ASS on DOWN to the POST FACTORY
and SELL some of this SLOP

and i said

AYUP

i guess so

which brings us,

necessarily

Image

to “Ted Lasso,”

which i will now discuss at great length
yeah wow cool ok yeah great wow ok yeaha wow cool ok
yeah babe we been binging it too yeah babe yeah babe YEAH BABE

we’re all gonna get rich as SHIT
off my idea
that i just had,
which is to sell millennials wigs
as “thinkpieces”

it’s the thinx of headgear (have they done a “periodt.” ad yet hi i was sent here from hell)

Image we all live in a big gay house on the moon (“New Beatles” idea (lazy, failed))

real-time self-editing? fretting self-realization?

attack-writing

(“Finnegan Swank”)
vinegar stink

the hospital
at which they’ll be turning LX into a lizard
is in an area that racked up a pretty healthy body count
during the earliest days of the Sicilian Mafia’s Los Angeles involvement

they’d have been low-slung bungalows then
palermo babloom head go bye

when they crack LX’s head open it’ll be in a shiny collegiate tower
i think i had a client
            i had clients

who used to be the
chief fundraiser
for this specific institution

do you like irony Image

20%

soylent vanquished,
headache intact

this month’s rentmaking took dark fortune
in the form of loansharking

what earning days’ shine remains was mined to pay the piper
getting extorted by peter to puff paul
frankly i’d really rather take a pass on it all
frankly i’d rather take a piss on it all
all of it

have you ever heard of compound interest before

have you ever been to a seance before

Image

you know,

!   !   !   !   !   !         

you know,

the primary value? virtue?       valtrex
of hipinion

is as a collective

it’s not a community
i’m so done with/down on that word

but this space can certainly function collectively
self-healing hive?
maybe

“communities” tend to die
having shed their “members”
in endless self-referential “snark”

oh Where’s Old-So-and-So the FuckFace
highschool reunion
nostalgia atrophy

careful with all those simpsons jokes or you’ll turn into one
you will turn into bart simpson
ijs

Collectives have the feel of Awareness+

dog licking me
difficult to type   but

with 15% left
and it
Actually Dies at 7%
and it accelerates as it goes down
and you’re tech support
and i’m drowning

the other day!
i was in the desert,
having been invited out
by a near-stranger

to partake in a Black MIDI Concert Performance

and in dancing around
found my way into a conversation found my way into an afterparty found my way into
some big fuck of an airbnb party house
All Done Up

behind which
these proper strangers’ luxury rental teepee
played host to the eating of psilocybin and

i watched
as the collective took shape,
hummed in conversation with itself

beautiful, really

until

a relative novice to the toadstool kingdom
took a paranoid turn &
the uh-oh notgoods appeared

i watched the collective gnash and agonize

these are strangers
— not my place to steer

Image

this is your house
— not my place to stare

Image

you have to be really careful
about what you let in

and it’s good to keep an exorcist in the wings

Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 7:05 pm

for a second i was having trouble getting that twitter embed to work and i was worried that the post might be hard to read
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 7:18 pm

tldr'yer ma'ker
i'm gonna read what you all wrote now
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 7:45 pm

Joker wrote:I'll pin but we're running out of room here we might need an index


sorry

came to wreck wrote:

mcwop23 wrote:

auspice wrote:

The Protoplasm Kid wrote:

polybius wrote:

winjer wrote:

traced out wrote:

New Improved Alaska wrote:

petrichor wrote:

maraschino cherry wrote:

virtuous wrote:

razzle wrote:

darger wrote:

Annie May wrote:

delgriffith wrote:

virile wrote:

deadbass wrote:

angel eyes wrote:

Wilderness wrote:

Autarch wrote:

shin blood wrote:


hi
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 7:53 pm

the paypal issue's looking like it probably won't be immediately resolvable

idk if i'm fully telling on myself as a wastrel with this screenshot but

Image

Image

Image

feeling very Called to the Principal's Office by those three messages

let me see what i can see about it

fuck

surf's up
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 7:58 pm

shin blood wrote:Love ya. Glad to hear from you even considering the circumstances. I bought a shirt from you once. When it got to me it was like 5 sizes to big for me.


i hope u fucked up instead of me fucking up

did i fuck up?

shit

Wish I still had it. I left it in an apartment I .over out of.


i am always doing this
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Postby came to wreck » Thu Oct 14, 2021 10:00 pm

even if paypal dont work the venmo still does
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 10:19 pm

came to wreck wrote:even if paypal dont work the venmo still does


imagine a guy drunk-slurring this
and very aggressively grabbing his crotch
bent at the knees
wobbling back and forth

like he's really got to Show Someone

im there

Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 10:24 pm

VENMO @INVISIBLEHANDOUTS VENMO @INVISIBLEHANDOUTS VENMO @INVISIBLEHANDOUTS VENMO @INVISIBLEHANDOUTS VENMO @INVISIBLEHANDOUTS

elasticated underwear waistband repeat

Image
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Postby polybius » Thu Oct 14, 2021 10:39 pm

Sissy Spacerock wrote:
came to wreck wrote:even if paypal dont work the venmo still does


imagine a guy drunk-slurring this
and very aggressively grabbing his crotch
bent at the knees
wobbling back and forth

like he's really got to Show Someone

im there

Image
  
Image      Image Image Image Image
Image
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Postby polybius » Thu Oct 14, 2021 10:49 pm

dw guys they said it was ok for me to post that
  
Image      Image Image Image Image
Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 10:58 pm

polybius wrote:dw guys they said it was ok for me to post that


DW Guys

polybius wrote:dw guys they said it was ok for me to post that


David Woster Guys

polybius wrote:dw guys they said it was ok for me to post that


            left eyelid
                    STOP
                                              right eyelid
                                              APOLOGIZING
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Postby polybius » Thu Oct 14, 2021 11:00 pm

no never
  
Image      Image Image Image Image
Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 14, 2021 11:17 pm

polybius wrote:no never


Image
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Postby Annie May » Fri Oct 15, 2021 1:12 pm

Annie May wrote:Sent you a little, will send more once i get paid. Hoping for the best sissy.

Done
I forgot all my songs
The words now are wrong
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Postby Hal Jordan » Sat Oct 16, 2021 1:17 pm

sissy if i send you money will you say we are "friends"?
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sat Oct 16, 2021 5:56 pm

post reply.Toggle Spoiler

Image     Image     Image     
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my appetite goes fast with stress
and the lightheaded hypomania is a sort of fuel

for

something Image

the other day
i watched a documentary about a guy named leon vitali

he’d been an actor of some prominence
who’d just kind of said No to the whole exercise
and become stanley kubrick’s assistant

it struck me
primarily
as a depiction of an abusive relationship between two neurodivergent people

but i think other people got other shit out of it

ImageImageImageImage

i’d watched it because a woman in the streets had stopped me
and told me that i reminded her of leon
that he’d been a family friend growing up

at one point in the movie
he says he got so harried with his exacting master
that he’d gotten down to 65 pounds

is that even possible
or do you think he was bullshitting?
exaggerating, you know
for effect

i get the sense that he’s not a tall guy
but you’d have to be like 4’6” to be 65 lbs right?

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PET scan’s done
results forthcoming

really all gonna come down to the surgery

in addition to the Death Scenarios
which are best psychologically tamped down
there are more significant probabilities for various diminishments, disfigurements
loss of range of motion, sensation, sensory input
loss of explicability

the concern that even if this is "beaten"
it clings on undercar gremlin and rears in continual return
stress sequels forseeable

thus far there's been no confirmation of spread to the jaw, neck, etc.
but there's been pain

and i have no idea as they've no idea as to its source
and contemporaneous existence is high-velo hot choccy fountains in redundancy
so is it the 5G or the chemtrails or the microplastics
is it work stress is it home stress is it work-from-home stress
is it screenglare
smartphone crick run amok?

or

what the fuck

and i'm as impatient as i am impotent in this scenario
"time moves slow" - bbng (babanagoosh)
ImageImageImageImageImage

and now
for a reel film Classic Hollywood Golden Age quote brought to you by our fabulous partners in the lobby
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“YOUR MOTHER RATES COCKS IN HELL!!!!
” - Image
                          (found footage of school assembly c.1990s)

if you know this famous film you may be eligible to win a guided tour of the glendale galleria


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Sissy Spacerock
 
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sat Oct 16, 2021 5:59 pm

Annie May wrote:
Annie May wrote:Sent you a little, will send more once i get paid. Hoping for the best sissy.

Done


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Hal Jordan wrote:sissy if i send you money will you say we are "friends"?


shit at this point i'll give you "benefits"
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Sissy Spacerock
 
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Postby Hal Jordan » Sun Oct 17, 2021 1:43 pm

Sent. Good luck m'man.
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 18, 2021 1:35 pm

Hal Jordan wrote:.


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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 18, 2021 8:14 pm

               BREVITY
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two times today
i’ve tried to drink a candle
i think i’m losing it

coming out the room to a fly in your soylent
thinking about the calorie count’s upkeep
thinking about the throbbing vein
wondering after one’s own collapsing

my own health problems are ( - ; unknown unknowns
pleasureless broadly
having gone undoctored for many many years now
(i don’t like his music but this is one of the ways in which i am “like warren zevon”)

but i’m not dead yet
so i can still assault this aluminum piece of shit
a decade of pizza shrapnel and hatred

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ImageImage

i got confused, the other day
as i do
about whether or not it had been a full scan
and it hadn’t been
just the MRI

i’m a dazed waiting room urchin
forgive me my lapses

the PET scan’s tomorrow AM
thursday’s a cancer board meeting
telemeeting in a week

here’s hoping

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i’m attestably hughesian decrepit
gone a while ago many ways
been trying to solidify
for common cause

i’ve been having flashbacks to my mother
staring off into the distance
doing the dishes and smoking cigarettes
one after another

after another

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ancient father paypal is still DDoSing me
but i think i figured out why
i’ve gotta wait a few days to hear back from them though

venmo best for now if you’re dripping charitable
@invisiblehandouts
apparently
i’m trying! i’m trying!
idk
karz 4 kidz
cash for clunkers
P.O.D. COD CIA DoD
light-emitting diode
psytrance pelican debriefing
branded venmo waistband
BRANDED VENMO WAISTBAND

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you know the old song

it’s all a waiting game these days

every twinge feels like incipient death
and i’m beyond worried that one or another of my gaskets is going to blow
in the midst of all this shit

walking into walls

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i have three dead fathers in a sense

the early-life surrogate recently went
unbeknownst
to some sort of long-standing thing
he’d been a big sporting fellow and a chainsmoker
nicknamed ‘Moose’
who’d loved cincinnati bengals football and block parties

the later-life intrusion went some years back
to,
something
ALS-alike
multiple misdiagnoses
aged two decades in a year
instant decline
late mid-life octogenarian
utter terror
you’d never want to

the bio went to something
like an isolated suicide
but the reports conflicted
and none of the sources were trustworthy
and he’d absconded
for one reason or another
to a nothing town
nowhere
four and a half hours from the nearest airport
beyond creditors and potential assassins and
who knows what else
i’d imagine —
but they really are imaginings,
beyond the stories told
(and the newspaper clippings)

i can recall after having tracked him down
on a late-night phonecall
he’d boomed out big sky bitchy
about having had some medical implement or another
“left in him”
during a procedure

it’d brought about some kind of staph infection

he didn’t care much for doctors either

i have to imagine at whatever the fuck it is
he may have passed down to me, too

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been trying to hit some of Lex’s favorite cheaper food spots
cuz apparently
the taste is just gonna be gone for a while
six months, maybe?
i think
i’ve been hearing a lot of numbers
lot of durations lately
i get headjumbled
it’s bad

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i feel bad
for not being able to make better quality food
i know feeling bad’s a bit of a
way of being
around here
so i’d imagine i might
find commiseration for my
hrm hrm
incommodious commissary

she blasted kitchen cigs
but mother never imparted much culinary wisdom
i was supposed to Get Married,
i think
in the 1950s, somehow
which is,
i think
typical of many people born in the late 20th century

(assigned anachronistic at birth) (AAAB)

(tuning?)

(gene sequence,)

so i’ve had to teach myself a bunch of shit
and try to teach myself a bunch of shit

and i have incredibly advanced
breakfast burrito making techniques
but i’d be so tired of me
am so tired of me

if i were potentially going to lose my sense of taste (shut the fuck up)
i’d be hoping to live with a superior chef

i’m just here at zero hour
with my serviceable fare

i do alright
i got a couple things

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the ramen spot was plexiglass information overload
socialization is beyond senseless
masked, unmasked
castes
lessers muffled or muzzled
overlords overloaded

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someone perceptive told me i “have agoraphobia”
i’d never conceived of it
it doesn’t really mean what i’d thought it had

someone else perceptive told me i “have sensory processing disorder”

someone who told me that i was the reincarnation of her brother
as well as an alternate instance of her horse
told me i am “an indigo child”

but i’m in worsted so

kaedama onegai shimasssssssssss
just full annoying
whatever

thanks for listening
and for contributing (god)
it’s been a significant comfort to be able to get what are
hopefully!
not “last tastes”
of warmth and familiarity

it’s all apparently placeholder cardboarder for a while
fuck fuck fuck fuck

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i go out in the streets
and i hear the podcast cadences and i-
denticality

i feel the convergence
this is a dispatch from hell
i know the source of the marching orders

burroughs was a better aim than he ought’ve been
but he was right about some things (control, war)

maybe it will become a 20 player world?
plastic surgery etc.
hive mind?
maybe we already are this,
from a massively overpopulated prior reality?

Image

if you want
if it makes sense
(if you’re reading this, and you’re powerful)
(or you feel powerful)

this doesn’t “have to be” “stickied” (cumonprintedpics dot com type beat)
it can just be bumped as it’s bumped
if that’s better for collective readability
if i’m more of a clog than a plug

i’d like to thank my youngest dog for warming my feet throughout much of this post’s making
her name is Hal Jordan, now
the naming rights having been sold to fund OT-3 courses @ Hubbard Admin
(j/k)
(thank u all)

a beak peck and
invective

Image

having a stroke or is the stroke having you big
mind erasure feeling

so i should Go
but,

just the other night
on what was ultimately a 19 mile walk,
reverberating music drew me to a house party
over by the damn Erewhon

a self-described Sureño band
just absolutely ripping for four hours
with modelo breaks on the truck outside

it got busted up by the cops @ 3 am
and i have all these Thoughts i want to write up
but:
tldr; recall

so hold on maybe i wlll
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Imagesome of my more isolated impulses can be rather extreme dearieImage
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 18, 2021 9:51 pm

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ended up making a vegetable power omelette
(“pomelo”)
since carbs are a no-go prior to PET scans

sinister feel to watch a spatula rest briefly in cookware
and wonder at modern poison
it’s only really sitting there for a second
but
all that heat

what leeches?

i’m turning into a GI Joe
i’m gonna rot from products

i already did
i always was

polyethylene tetsuo
(Ceci n'est pas une perceuse)

i had a client once

(i had clients)

who was fairly standard in conversation
for about an hour
until they strolled out onto their balcony
gestured to the sky
and said
“they really think they can get away it!
spraying this much today,
in just one day!”

as it turns out

they were sellers of A Cure
and it had bought the balcony supporting us
in addition to my company
offered for excess
task after task

it’s pretty easy to go batshit
and it can be profitable
and there are people who will gladly help you to it

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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Wed Oct 20, 2021 3:00 pm

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Lexxx offered that as the PET scan progressed
an inevitable sense of claustrophobia set in
and with it,
an experience of color beyond typical perception

the description given struck me as
in accord with the concept of ulfire
as laid out in ‘a voyage to arcturus’

it is probably just a way of describing being irradiated

(warm inside)

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amniotic bjork feelings are my best second-hand understanding
undergirded with deep abductee unease

i wasn’t there

i had to watch the dogs,
since apparently you can’t be around them after such a scan (bad name for it)

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and so i was home alone
hulked-up culkin
raging my ass off and trying to Achieve Work
cuz frankly this dual wfh shit is miz’ry

i assume many people reading this share in the contemporaneous experience
of living in households that in the very recent past —
which still feels so very real, even as it cannot have been —
readily allowed for e.g.
private conniptions,
impromptu david lee roth simian somersault gymnast hour,
Schrei opera karaoke,
low rhythmic chanting via demonic possession,
loud trial balloon deflations,

etc.

on + on

and now it’s Zoom Calls and Shut the Fuck Up

because COVID’s a str8 killer but!
9/11-ly
it also functions as a stalking horse to further erode what privacies remain

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i think i read that corporate cyber surveillance tech was up like 600% y2y
i’m not going to look it up to verify that
because the number’s not the interesting part

i genuinely miss days when you could have disputes go unresolved
not a cell phone around to disrupt the tedious argumentation
that makes up most waking interaction

but this is already pretty badly along in the creation of
phantasmagoric sensorium critics
telling me i’m somehow twee and zeuhl @ the same time
(pound cake th—)
the message board (SO LIKE POP!)
has always wanted to eat itself

where much of the ‘net’s gone coprophagic
hpn is autocannibalistic

(Y’all R Some Freaks For real!!!!!)

        Image

now i’m some critter on a barrel stoking an LED fire
weaving cancer metaphors
i can imagine the flannel of the shirt
but i’ll get back to that

that’s nights ago now
i might as well be making that shit up
and so i shall

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but firrst,

during the PET scan
homeful bound
i nearly managed to die
choking on chicken (shut the fuck up)

i cook for the dogs
and i’d chopped the chicken extra fine
to stretch it cross more meals

i’d been on F*cing B****ST MOD*EEE just PReger’s as Frick my jester’s
i was working so hard that i just about goddamn collapsed, right
and just blowin and a blowin and a blowin and then i had the
ohshitigottaeat fadeaway
and so i ambled into the kitchen and squat on the floor
and yanked a glass bin of hypermince
and found out why you shouldn’t do that —
cut the chicken that way, that is

because if you’re housing it animalistically
which is presumably what my dogs do
it congeals into a sort of wad

there’s almost certainly a horrific medical term for this
that appears in autopsy reports or similar

anyway you are sucking on that wad
haven’t really been doing much meat in years but
The Wild Called
it fucking facetimed u and said “hey guess what RallyS ( - : U Gotta Eat”
or DIE
and so here you are on the tile
like a bone-tossing caveman
heels-down full-shit

gagging on the dogs’ chicken

not a soul around to call for a truck for you to die in

you’re gonna die here on this floor

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i wondered
as i struggled to clear my airway
at the level of nutrient absorption undertaken in the process of my wad-gnawing
because most of that shit was gonna have to come out
and my appetite had been rather spoiled by the affair

ultimately i was able to dislodge the meat
hurtling it into a dog dish
where it was gleefully eaten by an eight month old,
smiling

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now as for the flannel shirts let me tell you i’ve had a few

(i transformed into a river-found deadbloat version of MArk twain 5 lines ago but u didnt notice)

(like literally i am putrid in a white suit (bc i dont know the difference between the kernle and klemens))
(bad @ school)
(clownin)

you know those interludes on records you could skip

and there was a fellow just the other day
in the most fantastic Thanksgiving Shirt i have seen in some time
hefty plaid low-nap
boxes on boxes
dual pockets w/ sharp angular flapovers
all primary, yellow ground
just the right fuzzpile, chest-broadening, proudening

its occupant offered me tequila from a glass flacon on the sidewalk
the woman in conversation
herself A.B.E. & blackhaired & blackbooted & —
agreed upon its turkey day perfection

issuing compliments is almost entirely about wanting to be perceived as the sort of person who issues compliments

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but sometimes you encounter a person
whose shirt you’d like to smell a feast on
and they admit to having been taken with your boots

and so you’re sipping strangeways
wut it do

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i’d rolled up to the scene
not meaning to

with the Kirin tallboy that you buy
when you find three unexpected dollars in last year’s coat
on a stress walk

i’d been walking for many miles
in those cool ass boots
like a doofus
having left the house without plans
as is typical

but in a more emergent unpleasantness than is standard

and i’d coasted past bars and restaurants and so on
and they all just felt like shake-down joints
laughter and banter all sounding piped-in
mockery
imitation

people getting worked
rubes

i felt none of the envy that i worried might eat at me
given as i was
in recent enough times
adding my voice to the animatronic chorus
gladly getting fucked to take a look

Image

but i’m broke as shit now
so this three buck coat pocket come-up
archaic physical cash!

mana windfall gone lager
gone on a walk

and it’s rough out here on these long walks
there’s no facilities
there weren’t before and there sure as shit aren’t now

the # of “crazy people”
“acting crazy” in the street
who are probably just on the verge of breaking some new personal hygiene taboo
and wanting for outlets
must be offa da chartz

anyway i’d dismally drafted by these commercial sex markets
feeling nothing but the rising urge to blaszt piss
and so i hooked it up a street
in the general direction of a controversial grocery store

and then Sweet Music called unto me
1/16th note serenade
incredibly romantic mexican music on guitars, bass, and voice

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i found some darkness, marked it
and directed myself to the new intoxicant
which emanated from a small nearby house
and its adjoining yard

another interloper had preceded me
and was doing what i understood as
N64-era Create-a-Wrestler “WWF Diva Entrance Taunt”-style dancing
which i loved

i approached,
made some “Hi It’s Midnight And I’m Not Gonna Kill You”
DAMN GREAT FUCKIN MUSIC type comment
ingratiated myself
embraced the stranger
literally

we got on well enjoying the show from across the street
backed by various curlique wrought iron fences
once a set ended,
the band and most assembled emptied out onto the sidewalks

and i made my way over

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i spoke with them
the bassist was 18
and had been playing for three years

he played in front of the beat
in fluid, vocal passages

“learned it all on Youtube”

the group’s de facto leader was 24,
big-hatted
and we spoke leaning against his vaguely narco chic graphically augmented truck
chrome-accented and stanced
about making money with art
and its difficulties

these motherfuckers were squeezing blood out of the stone @ a damn respectable rate
i congratulated the accomplishment
perhaps having found some of the envy the high street had left cold

various partygoers would periodically approach
all of them unusually competent singers and guitar-players
and they’d gather extempore
for singalongs of folk songs,
another country’s country songs,
another bearer’s standards

pure ambient soak

as we wrapped
i told the real yung 1 to check out mick karn, bill laswell, and a few other things i can’t remember
and it was received with the sort of
“oh shit, new music to check out” energy
that it’s easy to forget can even exist
or ever did

they took leave for their next set

they bill hourly and they go until they’re done
like like like Actual Working Culture
instead of managed controlled top-down spectacle shakedown

fuck
i’m alive

they’d later told me that their chief ambition is to get matching outfits
which gave me a real rush
they’re gonna do it
they’re really good

all in all i took in three sets
swept away

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as the second set began
i met the tequila offerer
who on taking notice of my stragglers’ can
boomed:

WHATCHU GOT THERE?!

“it’s a kirin”

A KAREN?! LIKE IT’S COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME?!

fuck
i’m alive
(different type of way)
(warm cringe?)

my inquisitor poured for me
and i worked my way to mutual pleasure

ImageImage

The Cancer Thing came up
conversationally
with the pourer-inquisitor in flannel
and the woman he seemed eager to abscond with
who seemed less eagerly inclined
(new word for second-hand foreshadowing?)

their primary response was confusion
at the notion of “living with an ex”
and it was issued in fairly harsh judgmental terms
without apology or buffer

which in some sense i do appreciate

given that it’s very easy to forget that my existence is Not Normal
on many levels

and that there’s a near-certainty that anyone reading this
(shit at this point)
is probably also Not Normal

and we eat each other on the Internet
over having liked a post five years ago
by someone who follows someone who follows someone who “gives kind of TERFy vibes”
or whatever

but the reality of the matter is that dealing with normative people in this country
ABSOLUTELY
does not lend itself to discussions of e.g. “queer family,”
or abandonment,
or housing shortages,
or real estate manipulation

there are bubbles within bubbles within bubbles
and then there are fists and sticks and teeth and tongues and fingernails

i ate their criticism willingly if only to expand my own scope of awareness
given as i have been living in fairly bohemian retreat
very willfully so

everyone i know is a god damn lunatic

there is no other response to the input that i can understand

and so i do not understand these people, really
and they seem
very willfully so
not particularly to want to understand me

and that’s most of what life is
if you don’t create your own bulwarks against
and that’s why i am collecting money online
to keep one of my victims alive

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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Wed Oct 20, 2021 3:21 pm

anyone who's sent anything along please e-mail (indicating whatever name would have appended):

lacmaboardoftrustees@gmail.com

w best mailing address

just set this up so both of us will have access to it

tk u

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