let's have a bad time (tw: transactional exchange, cancer)

Let's talk hats

Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 21, 2021 3:55 pm

conventionallyToggle Spoiler

(i had conventions)

this is the time of year i was-am/am-was accustomed
to the financial dripfeed spiking,
massively

Image

as people reached for coats and scarves
tuxedoes for a new year's fortune

you're going to get slim and cut and you're going to get so much [P/B/Jj]ussy
you are going to get peanut juicy
you are going to churn the butterfat of this world
with your polished cock

Image

that is the message

You, But More

You, But What If

broken ego servant

Men would come to me
(never to a therapist!,)
(about the laughter that's not laughter)
Men would come to me and tell me
walk right up to me
MY BITCH WIFE
(sometimes the other word)
(often the other word)
with her spending and her
purses and her fucking yoga and her botox
and her stupid bitch lattes
and her pottery and her fucking stupid handbags
dumb little bitch that i own
i hate her so

and then select a hand-edged little lavender pocket square for themselves
perhaps commenting rudely on its pricing
or a pair of buckled jodhpur boots
sneering at themselves in the shop mirror
cruel master

perhaps some sort of awkwardly phrased question about
"how to fuck hipster girls"
that was a popular fixation

and so i can make a You That's More and
everyone can pretend at the straightness of your standing
and the command of your shoulderline
and your particularity and fastidiousnessness
neat in dove grey

raggedy schmatte stepping in with some offerings

yes you are A Prince now
i have done it and you will reward me
and i will feel as good about it as i've ever felt about any intake

which is to say a brief robber's high
that fades into paranoia

ideally i'd have performed speed seduction
so i could get them demons AWAY from me

we all want to fuck us

everything's poolside highschool putrid

being a MAn is disgusting being a man is
maybe a choice?
im a alien

Image

and today the halloween decorations bake
it is 80 degrees
tucked in muji meshrib and i'm still hot

i used to sell matching jackets and pants to sophisticates
and it goes on without me

informational asymmetries are easily forfeitable to encroaching automation
and VC's a bonfire
watch your fucking back

everything you type into this machine will be held against your throat

just about everyone i see nowadays
those playing the game, that is

which is to say the people who are seen

which is not most people
but which is what we are talking about right now

as i'm sure you're having some sort of internal discussion
which is the purpose of this exercise
or one of them
if this is indeed an exercise

just about everyone i see nowadays is
head-to-toe hideous in regrettable designer or
running their parents' victory lap or
playing depressing ironic jokes on themselves for no one

the other day i overheard a ~conventionally attractive~
goodteeth confidentvoicedman of perhaps 23 years
speaking of his desire for "a jerryseinfeldsweater"
and laughing a laugh devoid of anything i could ever understand as humor
and he wudn't talkin hallyween
somewhere there is a father who weeps for you
even if i must be him

piss pit culture

you watching the office or the office watching you little buddy
i think we both know

if you'll listen to me
if you'll heed my advice:

get matching outfits with your band
do not play jokes
just get the outfits with your band

you've seen the warriors right

you've seen pro wrestling right

you've seen other people right

GET MATCHING OUTFITS WITH YOUR BAND
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Oct 21, 2021 4:09 pm

last night i eyes-open dreamt of a world after the collapse lined with canals or fjords or inlets or perhaps just a vast lake of a world on which all its user-occupants got about by means of pedalboats emissionless in signature liveries shouting out significations identifying allegiances hand-hewn painted and proudly not pridefully kept in various models and types: two-seaters, four — optional sex pods on the back! — an entire lake planet ocean orgy of swingers on pedaled houseboats in programmatic swan or dragon mode or sloping pagode unattached and amorous nightswimmers heaving off in search of what’s left to be sought
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Oct 22, 2021 12:36 am

i want to talk about cigarettes

this is particularly distasteful
literally
given the reason for my re-entry
but
immediately prior to All This
i'd been stressed out enough,
and in the recent company of spliff-smokers
who'd gotten me good and high,
but with a bit of tobacco in there,

And IT's Crazy, Right

because my tolerance for Real Shit is p high

but tobacco makes me feel Absolutely Insane

so i'm asking:
how the fuck does anyone do this?
regularly

because

to me, what it does is
give me this WW2 sniper sort of modality to life
a tunneling
i am very alive but it is dark
which is normal
but a different sort of thing altogether

it's crazy that this is legal drugs and also Everyone did this forever

a guy in the desert "gifted" (?) me half a pack of USAmericanspirits and i can tell you
that there are various creation myths to be found in most any tree around you

also nicotine gum is a crazy thing that exists

don't do this drug! unless you are a range weapon specialist
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 25, 2021 4:08 pm

scan update today

it's progressed to stage 2 but looks as though it should be a matter of surgery
with potential for mild radiation

surgery in 3-10 days

sounds like lymph nodes are coming out too, but they're hoping the primary site
will not require e.g. restorative surgery, grafting, etc.
which can be complicating factors for a person's continued speech, etc.

pending the results of the surgery this will
hopefully
be a Shitty Thing That Needs To Be Kept Up With

like any other background habit,
but costlier,
and subjected to financialization and medicalization

it disturbs me that this more or less necessarily means Corporate Employment Forever
because i've got some personal notions about what that rhymes with

barring some intensely volitional US upheaval there'll simply always be
a dark hum in need of periodic attending

"good news and i'm still angry"
new word pls

i gotta take my dog to the vet to see about his dick now
the boy's always had something of That Magic Dick where lots of other pups want a sniff @ it
and he's been in for UTI concerns etc.a couple times as a result
but his magnetic donger has been more and more experientially prominent
the other dogs on the street are like Head-First

anyway best case scenario i go throw more money @ the god damned vet on this rainy-assed day
and get told that my son is merely delicious

thank you again for your support
it has been instrumental in keeping things moving

i'd imagine things should stabilize somewhat as plans for the surgery cohere
and i'll likely be more directly responsive at that time
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:23 pm

$350 later:
diagnosis delicious dog dick

Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Oct 29, 2021 6:38 pm

surgery scheduled in five days
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Nov 01, 2021 6:42 pm

i've felt awful for a while because my natural(?) inclination's to stay up lateToggle Spoiler
and it's fairly vital to the ongoing project that Sleep be gotten

for them much more so than me
but i go out at night all the time
not to any particular place
just out
walking nowhere

i can't stop moving

i've had to restrain myself in recent days as the surgery draws near
so that the in/out noise and so on isn't disruptive

so i was In

and i hate it
i hate being In

when i'm In i might be On Here or hitting my head on some other wall
when i'm out i might hit the pavement but the hit's different

and despite all my efforts to control for my own chaos
about 4 am,
two quick bursts of gunfire had me sitting up in bed at the waist
like the Undertaker

kak kak prRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrropopopopopopop

and as my eyes opened
and what-the-fuck came into focus
i pushed my dog's head down,
and then my own,
seeing as i do sleep by a street-facing window,
albeit in a roundabout sense
and being as i do know someone who two years ago,
mid-day, in their home office,
escaped catching one In The Head by all of eight inches

there was a cinematic tiresqueal
and what sounded like a hell of a lot of body roll
while the car whipped around some unseen corner and sped off

"it's what you think it was"
i called out
the house convened on the porch
as the searchlight helicopters appeared

they've been up most of the day, today, too
someone was killed
at least one someone

in exactly the place someone was killed a month ago

i think that they're probably sweeping the nearby homeless camps for leads and information
observing the perimeter for hasty exits

this happened nearby to at least three significant encampments
all of which locals —
with some credibility and some bullshitters' enthusiasm —
have tied to Actual Gangs
who are apparently using the camps' large presence as a pretext for volume dealing

there are constantly fights, petty thefts, vandalism, etc.
if you're masochistic enough to be the sort of person interested in citizen app alerts
you'd have an active feed at all times if you lived nearby

but most of it stays constrained to the people that people who live inside pretend don't exist
so it's resolved internally
and we* are none the wiser

anyway Very Stressed Out rn
so tired so awake
can't take care of self can't take care of anyone else
bad noisy world of abstract slaughter
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:06 pm

ImageToggle Spoiler
i want to take a moment again to thank all of you who've offered support in any way

life at this time is very momentary
and every input feels extra weighty,
if that makes sense
magnified

small gestures take on religious significance,
gifts are mana

i feel insane
and not in the old ways

we are all alone and bearing the pains of birth separation
and we temporarily encounter alternate instances:
elves, imps, big fat bears,
all that jungian shadowplay shit 46+2 u know

speaking of shedding skin:

this is a limited engagement
and will come to an end when my general need to reason out loud
through a message board format, which is to say:
a GUI in which i find nativity,
like any other favored planar tool
through which words do flow easily
through which words do flow easily
in which reasoning can be found
and on which a sort of second mind can be accessed —
mind and a half, really
input input input
perspective

i want to talk a bit about my relationship to "the board,"
because yesterday i was made to feel very gauche,
and i really don't appreciate that
like really

i had some shit flung my way
someone trying to DDoS me on here
talking about, i don't have any desire to revisit the verbatim text —

fuck the verbatim text

talking about how i'm antagonistic
negative, bloviating, all that shit

in sneering terms

which sat beside posts thanking me for providing yoga tips
and encouraging me to write

as a person who is Really Fucking Unstable
i don't think it should be confusing to anyone why this is ultimately an extraordinarily unhealthy environment for me

i know that it is just Absolutely Hilarious to some people
whose decency i should hope would prevent them from ever reading these words
lord knows i bore you and you hate me so you shouldn't be here
hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

but to the rest of you, who i adore:
i know that it is just Fucking God Damn Hilarious that i "write funny" and have "strange ideas"
think i've been hurting since i bought the gimmick

well
we're all layered gimmicks
but i think i'm about as real or unreal as anyone else is here
and i'd like to use this space right now to reiterate some thoughts that have
Appeared Elsewherein recent times:

if you are reading this
you are too old to ambush strangers on the internet
and surrounded by people who should know well enough to sanction you

i will retreat to my banishment in short order
i hope
pending the success of surgery and recovery

in the meantime i've got a hell of a lot of shit on my mind
so i'd like to blow

i'd like to thank anyone out there who doesn't make it their goal in life to stifle expression
and who doesn't wander around loosely-organized parties shutting down conversations that weren't directed toward them
and that they never wanted to understand in the first place

i'm being dramatic and i blame
the moon and hormones and mormons and pheromones
(the "played off the stage" music has been on for like 18 minutes at this point and the musicians have long-since been improvising and we've landed on something that sounds a bit like Amon Duul XXVI now)

ALSO! this is a space you can express yourself in
feel free to profane it
this is the place i will be providing updates,
but you are welcome to toot

ALSO! more of you who have sent money along pls hit lacmaboardoftrustees@gmail.com
very low followthrough rate right now! want to send you sum shit upon recovery! Image
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:11 pm

it's probably important to think about how in real life you talk to different people using completely different voices

and sometimes you aren't talking to anyone

and sometimes you very much are not talking to specific persons
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Postby Hal Jordan » Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:24 pm

tru tru
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Wed Nov 03, 2021 4:36 pm

keep hearing "surgery tomorrow" in the "harvester of sorrow" cadence,
hating it
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Postby mondrary » Wed Nov 03, 2021 9:06 pm

hey sissy, i'm thinking of you two, i hope all goes well tomorrow
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 12:46 pm

thank you/all

out of surgery and into a room

phone call from the Dr and it apparently all went very straightforwardly/they believe they Got It All, pending exams

headed down that way shortly
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Postby deadbass » Thu Nov 04, 2021 1:05 pm

that's great to hear. I hope it continues to go well
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:26 pm

hung out for a few hours down there

there's a street nearby called Biggy Street
i just want you to know that

so far so good,
thinking the release will be tomorrow or the next day,
which seems insane to me

but being in the hospital sucks, so
good? i guess

all the COVID protocols seem extra bizarre/arbitrary
my thoughts are def w/ anyone who's had to either undergo hospitalization
or support someone in a similar situation during "this time"

if indeed we ever do go back to keeping our shoes on at the airport, so to speak

i'm loopy as shit from not eating rn but will post more shortly
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:28 pm

oh a doctor asked me if i was "the rolling stones" and told me to "rock on"
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 04, 2021 8:53 pm

the primary source of anxiety in lifeToggle Spoiler
as i understand it
is in the suspension of feeling/emotion

typically this is something manifested by a refusal to face up to or acknowledge some fear/guilt/shame/etc
but it goes the other way too

i was having a panic attack on a walk earlier,
i think partially as a result of feeling The Hospital On Me (i really do not like these places):
all the little informational cards and the too-much-text and
weird lighting and strange furniture at odd angles
the beeping and compressed air
odd smells, the look of that food
you know about it
anyhow

of course in the environment itself you numb yourself out to it,
or i do at least

i have serious "issues" with sensory overload and similar
that have never been addressed in life, other than through my own strategies
so i have a tendency to go numb
and withdraw from my surroundings
or fixate on an object or a sound etc. to the exclusion of all else
voyaging

on hill #4 or 5 of the panic attack roller coaster
(these Super Suck bc it's very difficult to tell a panic attack from a # of other things,
and the person who'd drive me to the hospital for those things is in the hospital)

i became aware that i have not really allowed myself to "feel happy" or "relieved"
it still feels unresolved
i think i shrink away from this sort of thing often
fucked up!

i tried to heave a big sigh and force a smile and i did for about a second and a half feel some sense of
Ah, Yes,
not necessarily through the woods, but complete the metaphor as you'd like

gonna try to find some more of it
feeling so drained

it's good news! feel good! stupid!
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sat Nov 06, 2021 1:58 pm

hospital ejection in 6 hrs ❗️‼️
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sun Nov 07, 2021 1:09 am

busted outta the joint
whole lot of pudding and cream soups
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Postby Hal Jordan » Sun Nov 07, 2021 6:54 pm

what kind of pudding

please say banana
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 11, 2021 11:11 pm

lot of flan actually

gonna keep this thread going because there are people who are uh literally invested but otherwise:
https://forums.hipinion.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=154142
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Postby nice pass » Fri Nov 12, 2021 9:19 am

did you ever get paypal set up
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Nov 12, 2021 3:54 pm

nice pass wrote:did you ever get paypal set up


apparently someone in the netherlands didnt want to pay for customs on something i'd sold them years ago
i assume it was a suit or outerwear
this is a thing that would happen periodically — people not realizing they had to pay VATs, flipping out
so they let it rot
and i got stuck w/ the bill for it w/o noticing since i've been long-dormant

they were not at all helpful in resolving it so i'd imagine at some point i'll just have to pony up
for obvious reasons that isn't today
fucking annoying

def do not miss having to deal w those companies regularly

@invisiblehandouts Venmo is the way to go about it if you care to subsidize soups&copays
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Fri Nov 12, 2021 4:00 pm

there's a kind of oddly paced-out lull in between now and the next appointment
where they'll go over the findings from the materials removed during surgery

the Dr already sent over the information itself, but we've only reviewed it in the amateur sleuth context

looking like No Radiation, no add'l cancer, but there may be some sort of weird Swerve coming w/ the salivary gland?
hopefully nothing too serious but may be an indication of a previously unknown auto-immune disorder (in addition to foreknown lifelong Crohn's)
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sun Nov 14, 2021 12:26 pm

thank you kind souls

did a minor outing for the first time since surgery last night

LEX
amusingly-appellated
loves THX-1138
which i have never seen

(i don't really do movies)

and an opportunity to view it in 35mm had apparently roused the spirit to
Go Back Out Into the World

"hey you're going to see a movie @ 10"
alright sure whatever

(i don't really do movies)

like most large cultural properties,
(THX-1138 is a relatively large cultural property
in the scale to which i am speaking
which is the scale which is mine)
i'd never actually seen it

and have maintained a sense of knowingness about it for quite some time
the Look

unsurprisingly i am not a big fan of georg lukacs
tho i grown up w/ a shit-ton of second-hand StarWarez vehicle design books & shit
dusty guys from the late 70s/early 80s, cousin cast-offs
(they're career military now and i'm an autonomist
thats the diff b/w going in on StarWars vs. going in on Maple Town)

LEX luv'd it
(i don't really do movies)
i don't really do movies but
here is my review of THX-1138:

i can't tell what's going on
i keep having to steer myself away from becoming angry
ha ha ha you think i can discern meaning from multiple moving images simultaneously
can't stop thinking about how this was a student film
now you're thinking about money
now you're thinking about Marin County
now you're thinking about Marcia Lucas catting around with that stained glass man,
George's broken heart
the silver-masked cops are kind of fun but i wish this was Eyes Wide Shut
i mostly don't like movies but i like that one
i can't tell any of these people apart,
and you'd think that would be a feature of this film's buzzed anonymity,
but mostly i just can't tell people apart
if more people had strong signature walks this would be less of a problem
there are also only like 3 voices now, but this is from Back Then when there were many voices,
and this film has a lot of voices all the time!
just like prank calls coming in over VOiP or something?
this runs like a nu-metal video that was directed by someone who used to make videos for Popol Vuh
FUCKING YOU IS STROIEAEANGE AND ADORED BY ME THROUEEEUUEGHOUEAUT
o no its u Again blessing u w/ every kiss
TI-EE YOUR SELF TO ME STITCH UP MY EMP-TI-NESS
i liked the one 5 secs long part that looked like the practice of some kind of New Reli-djjion
(it is a crazy world we are living in)

folks:
Lalo Schifrin
La-Lo Schifrin

he's done better!

i do not care for the film Thanx 1138 i think
a tip to filmmakers: some of us have a lot of movies going on already and you gotta crowd those out!!!

i don't care much for films

but then this wasn't for me
again, thank you
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Postby normal forest » Sun Nov 14, 2021 7:03 pm

that was a very good review of the film THX 1138
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Mon Nov 15, 2021 12:36 pm

nice pass you're un-PMable
which i didn't realize was an option
doubled up the grocery order following your metaverse msg
glad i'd brought extra bags on the walk
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Postby kid8 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:39 pm

Sent you 60 bucks through Venmo. :)
Stop.
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Postby Sissy Spacerock » Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:09 pm

thank you! thank you!
been busy!
more tonight probably!
the short update is:
things are Looking L. Ron
which is to say
All Clear
bbiab
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Postby Hal Jordan » Sat Nov 20, 2021 11:28 pm

:)
A lamp with a white shade was knocked over and broken. Someone was smoking pot. “This is the pot room!” a young man said.
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