let's have a bad time (tw: transactional exchange, cancer)

Let's talk hats

Postby Sissy Spacerock » Sun Nov 21, 2021 12:05 pm

so the surgery follow-up,
the "telehealth pathology report,"
indicated no additional cancer found, beyond the mass removed

gonna be many years of follow-ups and watching and worrying,
but this is pretty nearly Best Case —
there'll probably always be some wondering after whether the lymph nodes "needed" to come out

given the alternatives, though,

(death, significant mutilation)

pretty fuckin good

solid-ish foods have re-entered the rotation,
clarity of speech has been affected somewhat but appears highly likely to return,
early days since hospital release were very fatigued but energy's mostly back up now —
jarring to have this all coincide with the abrupt time-shift & 5pm darkness
yanked around

a recurring concern is that the causative mechanism of the cancer is an utter enigma:
not a smoker, never much of a drinker, no obvious risk factors
grew up near a nuclear reactor!
but, genuinely — bad luck? wrong flatware? microplastics?
is there something in the nearby air? are we living in it?

so there's the tendency, the pull to want to
Not Do Whatever Did This To You,
and having that be a total unknown/X factor is distressing
the behavior cannot be modified

for me, as well, in a sense —
whatever thing's been done
i've likely been party to,
if it's a thing's been done's what's done it

and like i've said i don't go to the damn doctor
so now i get all these creeping somatic freakouts

feels like i've been in a weeks-that-are-years hallucinatory deathtrance

it's mostly been subtextual
but i've been doing a fairly piss-poor job in taking care of myself,
for a pretty long time
largely out of resounding disinterest and detachment
disjointed illusions playing out in front of me
loss and fading
so it's been a trial to need to give e.g. care, nourishment
in its own strange way
sullen disconnection's been the backdrop
it's hard to help from there
you have to come back to life even if you don't want to

i'd have been a lot likelier to crumble altogether had i not had the combination of
straight-up material aid & assistance offered here, which has left me
some combination of bewildered and confused and amused and grateful,
better-fed less-stressed and more capable
in addition to the graphomanic muscle memory engine
of Bounced Shit:
choose your metaphor

it's a way of working it out
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Sissy Spacerock
 
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Joined: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:35 pm

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